I'd rather have love than anything else in the world...
I'd rather have love than everything else in the world.
I feel this deeply...as I sit and remember having everything that I thought I wanted. I was missing the one most important thing...love--and the trust and respect that comes with it.
Therapy has been rough the past couple weeks. I have been working on opening my tupperwares. It's not so easy...I get stuck. I feel like I am walking a labyrinth, and I get to a certain point and just stop. Like I can't move...like there's no need to move any further.
There are two tupperwares that I have been trying to combine....rather unsuccessfully. One is the tupperware that houses my love and longing to be close to someone physically--to have a hand to hold, someone to cuddle close to on the couch, someone to wrap their arms around me as I wrap mine around them in a huge hug. The other is the tupperware that houses the emotional side of me...the one that holds my dreams, my deepest thoughts...my ability to feel close to someone emotionally.
Right now, these tupperwares live across the room from each other...they do not relate. One does not beget the other, and one does not automatically include the other. They are completely separate...like so many things in my brain.
I don't feel normal. I feel normal for me--but not normal compared to the rest of the world. I feel I have a condition that I constantly have to explain...because I am "broken" or "defective" because I don't feel or process everything the same way that the general population does--the way that is "normal."
I can take any emotion, and tupperware it in an instant. I can take anything I feel, box it up, burp the lid, and file it away. Each thing is separate to me...and it is possible to have completely conflicting emotions and hold each one completely and wholly within myself...and embrace each one separately.
I hesitate as I use the words "feel" and "emotion." To me, they are also very separate things. I have emotions. I recognize them, and file them away. I do not very often feel my emotions completely, because as they are filed, there is "emotional distance" as they like to say, and the feeling portion of the process is filed...burped...lid closed...and filed.
It all makes sense to me...and maybe that is why I am having so much trouble trying to combine these tupperwares into something I think is "normal." It seems logical to me to keep everything separate--it makes things so much clearer and easier to deal with...
....until you start to wonder if there will ever be a time that you feel like you really want to combine those tupperwares...
....if there will ever be a time you really want to be close to someone in every way...
....again.
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