Alcohol...Revisited...

Well, I have thought about this for a while...my whole goal was to not drink until I moved...so what do I do now that I am not moving?

In my original post, Alcohol, I was exploring why I felt the need to drink, and why I hated to drink. So what do I feel now, having spent nearly 3 months sober?

I feel as though I have proven to myself what I needed to...

I don't need alcohol.
I don't need it to have fun.
I don't need it to relax.
I don't need it to relieve my OCD tendencies.
I don't need it to feel comfortable in social situations.
I don't need it to make people think that I am fun.
I don't need it to fit in with everyone else.

So, given that tomorrow was my intended moving day, I feel I can count my "sober summer" a success. Do I feel like I *must* have a drink tomorrow? Absolutely not. I am sure there will still be plenty of times that I choose not to drink, and to me--that is another success.

I doubt that this is the end of my battle with alcohol. But I feel as though I have learned a lot about myself through this process, and I am ready to continue to take steps forward.

Cheers!

On Sadness...

Some days, I don't know what to write.

Over the years, I have taken solace in writing when I have been faced with pain and sorrow, grief and separation...

It has always been the times when I have been most content that I have had the most difficulty writing. And now that I feel more content than I have in years, I don't want to stop writing.

I have used writing to explore the depths of my sorrow, the loneliness of my solitude, the expansiveness of my grief, and the extent of my pain. It has been a coping tool for me--as long as I could analyze and express all of the sadness, then it all had meaning.

So what do I do now? How do I continue to write as my heart soars?

I have not often written about joy and happiness, and so I guess I will have to address it all as it comes along. I will attempt to explore the extent of my joy as I have explored the depths of my sorrows.

Because there is just as much meaning in the joy and contentedness...and I look forward to it.

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

Come again another day.
If you don't,
I don't care...
I'll pull down your underwear.

Yup, this is what runs through my head...

The rain was beautiful, lovely and cleansing. But it was also a huge pain to drive down the mountain in...

A Rose by any Other Name...

Today, I finally did it.

I finally finished changing my name...and it feels, actually not that different.

I changed my name with the DMV the day I got the divorce decree in the mail. But for some reason, going to the SSA was not high on my list of things I wanted to do...every time I thought about it, I would just get incredibly anxious.

So, this week I asked for some help. Just a push, to help get me out the door and just do it. And thankfully, I have someone who was willing to keep pushing even when I pushed back. So thank you. :-)

I did slightly feel like I was going to pass out at the window...why, I am not sure. All that pent up anxiety maybe....

But the good news is--I don't ever have to do it again!! And...I ran two laps around Erie Lake...well, I walked the last quarter each round. And then ran across a highway.

It's been a busy morning! ;-)

Traditions and Goodbyes...

I got to go out to the airport today to hang out with my Grandma for a while. First of all--I love driving to the airport. Second of all, I love being at the airport. And last but most importantly--I love spending time with my Grandma!!

It was great to just sit around and chat for a few hours between her flights. I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am to have her in my life, and that we are such close friends.

My Grandma and I have this tradition--we have done it ever since security changed and only people with boarding passes could go down the concourses. Every time, we wait in the security line together, continuing to chat and catch up. Then as we get to the end, we say our goodbyes. Then whoever is going on gets their boarding pass stamped and heads through security. The other one waits and watches until they are all the way through. Then whoever is on the other side of security turns around and finds a spot to look back--and then waves. We always find each other for that one last goodbye. Today it was my turn to wait for her to turn and wave, and it all brought back so many great memories.

I miss her so, but she will be here for a visit with us in just a couple weeks--I can't wait!!

Stories...

I just finished reading an amazingly inspiring book...one that reminded me of how much I have wanted out of life...

It's called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It's basically about stories, and really about living a good story with your own life.

I found it incredibly inspiring--and motivating. It's one of those books that is full of everything that you should know, but either skip over in life or forget.

So I am now motivated to live a good story--to work to get what I want, to live contently, to not procrastinate...to do what I dream--simply because if I don't try, I'll never know what I can accomplish.

I realized so many of my hesitations have been because of a fear of failure. But then I had the thought....

When your biggest fear is failure, you tend to forget the amazing rewards that terrifying risks can bring.

I am now reaping the benefits of some terrifying risks...and I am so content....

This...this is going to be a great story.

Promise of Tomorrow...

It is nice...to see tomorrow looking so bright for once. To see it shining, like a bright sun on the horizon over the sea--so not only does the sky light up, but the sun's rays sparkle on the sea like diamonds...

Bright hopes for all my tomorrows...

Climbing and Falling...

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to go rock climbing--full on--with ropes and harnesses and everything!! It was amazing!

I forgot what it was like to be harnessed in, roped up...with no chance of falling...and I feel like I just had that same feeling in life come back to me.

I forgot what it was like to be loved with reckless abandonment...I forgot what it was like to be held, and to feel completely safe and harnessed in.

It's that feeling of seeing something to reach for--something that might be out of reach, but you won't know until you try--and finally just going for it, knowing that if you should fall, there is someone there to hold you up and keep you from falling too far.

It's a wonderful feeling...

Weddings and Rings, Promises and Things....

Weddings and rings,
With fond memories,
Of life and love,
And everything in between...

Vows spoken,
Promises never broken,
Kisses shared,
Hugs here and there...

Moments and laughter,
For here and after,
Secret smiles,
Sparkling eyes.

Congratulations Pooshie and CKOne! I am so very happy for you both!! xoxo

Wedding Bells...

I am about to pack up (a lot of stuff) and head up the mountains for Poosh's wedding! It is not until tomorrow, but I am heading up today for the rehearsal dinner and then to help with any last-minute things I can.

I am so excited...I had no idea how I would be feeling...this is only the second wedding I have been to since my divorce, but I think the fact that it is Poosh makes all the difference. :-)

I am so honored to get to be a part of her wedding. I am so fortunate to know Poosh, with her amazingly ever-positive attitude and constant go-getterness, anyone who gets to spend time with her is very blessed.

So, for the man who gets to spend every day of the rest of his life with her: If you ever make her cry, I will make you cry. Just joking (kind of). But seriously, I hope CK1 knows just how fortunate he is, and that he spends every day of his life loving Poosh as much as she deserves to be loved.

I am so excited!! Time to pack, and start the drive!!