Don't Stop Believin'....

What a day.

What an amazing day.

Today was the last day of classes for me at CU. Ted put together a really nice slide show, song and speech for me...he made me cry. Oh Ted.

It was super sweet...I don't think that anyone has ever done anything like that for me. I can't believe it's been 7 solid years...seven years of blood, sweat, and tears into that building...as Ted pointed out, there hasn't been a show to go through that building in the past 7 years that I haven't touched.

After the little slide show, Ted handed me the flowers that I had purchased for myself that morning (he told me they were for Emmy....oh Ted.) And then Markas called for a speech, and I came up with a short little thing....but here is what I really would have said had the students not already sat through too much talking and if I had been prepared (well, I won't edit it or anything like I would have had I known):

I want to thank you all for the past 7 years. Without all of you, I never would have been able to do all that I have. You have helped make my dreams a reality, and I hope that you can say the same for me.

I hope you all realize what all of the faculty--the professors and instructors--do for you. I am sure that most of you know the long hours, the blood, the sweat, the tears...the many many tears. I have had the opportunity to get to be on both sides of the program here at CU--and both are challenging. And I never knew that teachers dreaded tests and finals just as much as students. Who would have thought?

I also hope that you all realize that YOU are what makes this department. It is each of you, and your commitment and contributions to this department that make it what it is. I have learned so much from all of you, I can only hope that you have learned as much from me.

If I had to choose one bit of advice to leave you with, one thing that you would remember about me...it would be this little tidbit that I have been learning over the past year:

People are going to continually try to fit you into some sort of box. They are going to try and force their expectations on you, and try and make you into something that you are not. They will want to clip your wings, tell you your dreams are impossible, and make you feel like a fool for being a dreamer.

The truth is, the only limitations you have are the ones you put on yourself. Only you can clip your wings, only you can actually put yourself into a box. And once you are there...it's pretty hard to get back out.

Your dreams are always within your reach. The impossible only seems so because you know how to dream big. And you are never a fool to dream...they are only jealous because they have already put themselves into a box, and no longer know how to dream.

Don't be afraid to leap. Sometimes you will fall--flat on your face. But isn't it worth a couple terrible spills just to see how far you can go? Isn't it worth it just to see if you can fly?

Of all the words to leave you with...these are my favorite:

Don't stop believin'. Ever.

Therapy

This is a picture I painted when I was in high school. It was really an experiment in colors and textures, just trying to create different effects with acrylic paints. My parents have it hanging in the guest room (which is where I am currently staying) so I wake up to it every morning. The parts that were my favorite back then are still my favorite now--the orange sunset and the stars in the middle. I painted each star...dot by dot. I can't even remember doing it...maybe because it made me want to poke my eyes out by the end.

Therapy has been interesting lately. The past month we have been doing this thing called "brainspotting."

Basically, I stare at a particular point in space and think about a certain subject--whatever we are trying to unravel. And then, I just let my thoughts wander...and say whatever comes to mind. A lot of times it brings up anxious feelings, like a tightness in my chest...but the past couple sessions I have just felt a lot of sadness.

I have been working on how I see myself and how others see me, also on the mind, body, soul connection.

Oftentimes, I feel very disjointed. As evidenced by my Ugly Duckling post, I do not really feel that who I am and what I look like are connected. I often feel that I am known only as what I look like, and not as who I really am. It's a battle I have been fighting ever since the divorce...and it's one I have not yet won.

What came out in this last therapy session was the fact that I feel as though I was "marrying material" for what I looked like, not necessarily who I was. I spent 8 years loving someone, hoping that they would get to know me...only to realize that I failed miserably. He had no idea who I was...or else our marriage would have had a chance.

So now...I have to figure out what to do with this realization...this downfall. I spent 8 years desperately trying to get the person I loved most to know me, and I failed. How can I think that I could even try again?

I may have to learn to live with the fact that no one will ever really know me...or ever really want to know me. I think that was part of the problem...the ex didn't care enough to really want to know me...because I was pretty--it didn't matter.

Easy on the eyes, easy on the brain.

It didn't work for me...I don't quite agree.

And maybe now, neither does he.

Model Behavior...

I had a great discussion with a friend last night...we were both raised in the model of "courting with the intent to marry/be sure to save yourself for marriage" way of finding someone. My thought today is...what do you do when the model didn't work? What do you do when it doesn't seem to be any better the second time?

How do you find a new model to follow? How do you figure out the rules, know what everyone elses' rules are?

This is where I am at. I have no model as I move forward....so I am going to have to figure one out as I go.

But it will be my own rules...that make sense to me.

I don't want to be in Love anyway...

But I know that's a lie.

Sigh.

Time. And more of it..time time time.

Last Week of Classes...

After 8 years of looking forward to this week...this will be the last. I still can't believe that the semester...that this year is over. It still seems like only yesterday I told Ted that I was only staying one more year. It seems so unreal.

I am going to miss so much about this place...about these spaces. I have so many memories within the theatre building--so much more than my apartment even. I changed schools a lot as a kid, so this is the one school that I stayed at the longest...

Where I go from here...I have no idea, other than California of course. What I will do--I have no idea. I am feeling a little burned out...

Dresses and Princesses

So, today's pic is just of the fabrics I am using on my friend Emmy's dress. I am so excited to be making her graduation dress--I just hope she likes it when it's done!!

This weekend...I have just seen so many wonderful people in love. So much love...so much caring...

My heart aches...and yearns for that love. I remember what it was like--that all-encompassing, butterflies and Star Wars cards kind of love...I miss it so...

It is there...I know it's out there...it's somewhere out there...

Emmy is working on her final photography project, which involved a lot of fairy tale princesses...and I wonder, where is my prince? But then again, I am no princess...and maybe that's the problem.

Of all things...

Life is the strangest.

Turn Around...

Please turn around,
And see me here.
See me standing,
Just as I am.

Please turn around,
And reach out to hold me.
Meet me here,
Just as I am.

Please turn around,
And love me,
Right here,
In this moment,
Just as I am.

First Day

I have had my first day in my temporary home...so far, so good.

It was pretty awesome to walk upstairs and see my niece this morning, and then to walk outside and see the green, green grass...and the tulips...

How Cedric loved the tulips...

Last Night

I wish I had the time to perfectly capture this feeling...this moment...but I don't really. I have had several weeks of long hours at work (hence why my posting has been so short and irregular) and I have to be back at work at 9 tomorrow.

But...nonetheless, I am standing in my nearly empty apartment...wishing for just one more night. One more week....one more month...but I know it won't happen.

The kids are at my parents', our temporary abode until the big move to Cali...so this place doesn't really feel like a home anymore...not without them.

I want to stare at these walls forever...and remember each moment--each memory. Running through every square inch, chasing and laughing, dancing to my own music...crying for hours when nothing made sense.

It is so quiet...like it usually is. But it is also so isolated now...like it has been. The past few days I have been feeling like this was my cocoon...and I now have to shed that hard protective shell in order to become what it is I am to be. It's not easy--it is comfortable here--I am comfortable here. i am afraid to let go.

I don't want to forget...everything. I can still hear the laughter, the music, the tears, the silence of my life of the last year. I don't want to forget a single moment.

But time marches on, and so must I. I take a leap from here, and will hopefully land somewhere new that will provide new memories--new walls to hold my secrets.

I love this apartment, and I always will. Despite the water leaks, tiny washer and dryer, too full closet and lack of dining room--it's perfect. It has been exactly what I needed....a place to find my new self.

So, as I step out for the last time (in about an hour I think...there's still more cleaning to do), I leave behind my cocoon...the hard shell of me. I am afraid to spread my wings and fly...but I will anyway.

So much love lies here...I hope the new people feel it too.