Every day the sun hides, it reminds me how difficult the months to come with be...and I would like to postpone all of that as long as possible.
So for today, I am going to bask in the glow of a new sunny day!!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Cold...
It is cold.
It is dark.
I feel it...so thoroughly.
So empty.
So devoid.
So alone.
At least I know I have a hand to hold...
A hand that will hold mine...
When I have no energy to reach out...
When I have forgotten that I can reach out.
Friday, September 17, 2010
The Book of Love
by Peter Gabriel
(originally by The Magnetic Fields)
The book of love is long and boring,
No one can lift the damn thing.
It's full of charts and facts and figures,
And instructions for dancing.
But I....
I love it when you read to me.
And you...
You can read me anything.
The book of love has music in it.
In fact that's where music comes from.
Some of it is just transcendental,
Some of it is just really dumb.
But I...
I love it when you sing to me.
And you...
You can sing me anything.
The book of love is long and boring,
And written very long ago.
It's fill of flowers and heart-shaped boxes,
And things we're all too young to know.
But I...
I love it when you give me things.
And you...
You ought to give me wedding rings.
And I...
I love it when you give me things.
And you...
You ought to give me wedding rings.
And I...
I love it when you give me things.
And you...
You ought to give me wedding rings.
You ought to give me wedding rings.
__________________________________
This is the song at the end of the last episode of Scrubs, and I totally fell in love with this song the first time I heard it.
I like how it's sweet, but realistic. I mean, come on--"no one can lift the damn thing??" Awesome.
It's a beautiful reminder that we each have our own book of love, and we get to decide which music is in it, and which is just "really dumb."
And some things, we will always be too young to know.
But I know enough to keep reading...
(originally by The Magnetic Fields)
The book of love is long and boring,
No one can lift the damn thing.
It's full of charts and facts and figures,
And instructions for dancing.
But I....
I love it when you read to me.
And you...
You can read me anything.
The book of love has music in it.
In fact that's where music comes from.
Some of it is just transcendental,
Some of it is just really dumb.
But I...
I love it when you sing to me.
And you...
You can sing me anything.
The book of love is long and boring,
And written very long ago.
It's fill of flowers and heart-shaped boxes,
And things we're all too young to know.
But I...
I love it when you give me things.
And you...
You ought to give me wedding rings.
And I...
I love it when you give me things.
And you...
You ought to give me wedding rings.
And I...
I love it when you give me things.
And you...
You ought to give me wedding rings.
You ought to give me wedding rings.
__________________________________
This is the song at the end of the last episode of Scrubs, and I totally fell in love with this song the first time I heard it.
I like how it's sweet, but realistic. I mean, come on--"no one can lift the damn thing??" Awesome.
It's a beautiful reminder that we each have our own book of love, and we get to decide which music is in it, and which is just "really dumb."
And some things, we will always be too young to know.
But I know enough to keep reading...
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Battles
by The Spill Canvas
Cursed by my imagination,
Teaming with echoes of situations,
I do not feel well, pressed beneath this spell.
Polishing my social skills
With one more drink, and two more pills.
I do not feel good, I thought by now I would.
But then again,
It's like one thousand paper cuts,
Soaked in vinegar.
Like the battles with yourself,
That leave you insecure.
It's all just a numbing charade,
Until the day you finally wake up,
And you're not afraid.
Bound by my own disposition,
The endless hunt to find fruition.
I'm insatiable, even if my cup is full.
My sore throats are now routine...
I've got to write those songs, make 'em scream.
They're insatiable, even if their ears are full.
But then again,
It's like one thousand paper cuts,
Soaked in vinegar.
Like the battles with yourself,
That leave you insecure.
It's all just a numbing charade,
Until the day you finally wake up,
And you're not...afraid.
But then again,
It's like one thousand paper cuts,
Soaked in vinegar.
Like the battles with yourself,
That leave you insecure.
It's all just a numbing charade,
Until the day you finally wake up,
And you're not afraid.
________________________
I have been battling myself for a while...yet again. You all know by now that there is some stuff I have been wanting to put out here on my blog, but I have been hesitant...
I have been in therapy since a few weeks after I left my ex. I have been with my current therapist for a year now, and I think it has been super helpful. I try and go once a week, granted I have the time. Yesterday was a good session...
I talked about all the stuff that has been weighing me down and why I feel hesitant about putting everything out there on this little page. I feel as though I reached a resolution...and I am no longer afraid.
It's been like one thousand paper cuts...doused in vinegar. Even those evil paper cuts right between your fingers...and the pain was excruciating, and so I went numb--in a lot of ways.
I am still learning to wake up and feel everything again. I am still learning to express it all as well. I have found my voice again--and sometimes I need a reminder to use it.
There will always be battles within. But today, I won one.
Cursed by my imagination,
Teaming with echoes of situations,
I do not feel well, pressed beneath this spell.
Polishing my social skills
With one more drink, and two more pills.
I do not feel good, I thought by now I would.
But then again,
It's like one thousand paper cuts,
Soaked in vinegar.
Like the battles with yourself,
That leave you insecure.
It's all just a numbing charade,
Until the day you finally wake up,
And you're not afraid.
Bound by my own disposition,
The endless hunt to find fruition.
I'm insatiable, even if my cup is full.
My sore throats are now routine...
I've got to write those songs, make 'em scream.
They're insatiable, even if their ears are full.
But then again,
It's like one thousand paper cuts,
Soaked in vinegar.
Like the battles with yourself,
That leave you insecure.
It's all just a numbing charade,
Until the day you finally wake up,
And you're not...afraid.
But then again,
It's like one thousand paper cuts,
Soaked in vinegar.
Like the battles with yourself,
That leave you insecure.
It's all just a numbing charade,
Until the day you finally wake up,
And you're not afraid.
________________________
I have been battling myself for a while...yet again. You all know by now that there is some stuff I have been wanting to put out here on my blog, but I have been hesitant...
I have been in therapy since a few weeks after I left my ex. I have been with my current therapist for a year now, and I think it has been super helpful. I try and go once a week, granted I have the time. Yesterday was a good session...
I talked about all the stuff that has been weighing me down and why I feel hesitant about putting everything out there on this little page. I feel as though I reached a resolution...and I am no longer afraid.
It's been like one thousand paper cuts...doused in vinegar. Even those evil paper cuts right between your fingers...and the pain was excruciating, and so I went numb--in a lot of ways.
I am still learning to wake up and feel everything again. I am still learning to express it all as well. I have found my voice again--and sometimes I need a reminder to use it.
There will always be battles within. But today, I won one.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Today is my Grandma's birthday!!
Most of you know just how much my Grandma has meant to me over the years--she has been my role model and my best friend. I do hope that someday soon we can live closer so we can see each other much more often.
Happy Birthday Grandma!! I love you so very much!! I hope your day is wonderful!!
Most of you know just how much my Grandma has meant to me over the years--she has been my role model and my best friend. I do hope that someday soon we can live closer so we can see each other much more often.
Happy Birthday Grandma!! I love you so very much!! I hope your day is wonderful!!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Do Better
by Say Anything
Life is not a spark in space,
an episode of Will and Grace,
Controversial yet mundane,
Debra's messing with your brain.
Even Scientologists
Know there's more to all of this.
Search the ruins for trap doors,
Wonder what you're put here for.
Simple as a hint of gas,
Climbing nostrils as you pass,
Making Harvard graduates
Feel childish when they laugh at it.
Climb the rungs to kingdom come,
Sour Patch to acid tongue,
Are you opposed to having fun?
You clench the world between your buns.
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
Your life is always the post of something else,
Where is the present in the way that you present yourself?
It's disgusting how little that you try:
The existential equivalent of pink eye.
Drink alone and watch TV,
You're expecting harmonies
To tap your tune with silver spoons,
The anthem of impending doom,
Guiding Satan's steady hand,
Forcing Beatles to disband.
It's ego freaks and drama queens
The young at heart know what I mean.
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better,
Better than that,
You're a fraud.
Thank God and learn to keep your shirt on.
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You'd burn so brightly
You'd burn so brightly in the dark.
You'd burn so brightly
You'd burn so
You'd burn so
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better,
Better than that,
You're a fraud.
Thank God and learn to keep your shirt on.
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
We could do better
We could do better
We could be the greatest band in the world (whoa)
____________________________________
I find this song very inspiring...because we all can do better. Even if it's just a little more kindness, a touch more patience or holding the door open for someone--we all can do just a little better each day.
I like that it starts with "life is not a spark in space." It reminds me that we all have meaning, each of us was meant to be...and meant to be in this world.
I can do better.
Today I can do better than yesterday.
Tomorrow I will do better than today.
And if I don't do better one day...then I will the next.
I will not be the 'existential equivalent of pink eye.'
I will do better.
Life is not a spark in space,
an episode of Will and Grace,
Controversial yet mundane,
Debra's messing with your brain.
Even Scientologists
Know there's more to all of this.
Search the ruins for trap doors,
Wonder what you're put here for.
Simple as a hint of gas,
Climbing nostrils as you pass,
Making Harvard graduates
Feel childish when they laugh at it.
Climb the rungs to kingdom come,
Sour Patch to acid tongue,
Are you opposed to having fun?
You clench the world between your buns.
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
Your life is always the post of something else,
Where is the present in the way that you present yourself?
It's disgusting how little that you try:
The existential equivalent of pink eye.
Drink alone and watch TV,
You're expecting harmonies
To tap your tune with silver spoons,
The anthem of impending doom,
Guiding Satan's steady hand,
Forcing Beatles to disband.
It's ego freaks and drama queens
The young at heart know what I mean.
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better,
Better than that,
You're a fraud.
Thank God and learn to keep your shirt on.
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You'd burn so brightly
You'd burn so brightly in the dark.
You'd burn so brightly
You'd burn so
You'd burn so
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better,
Better than that,
You're a fraud.
Thank God and learn to keep your shirt on.
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world (whoa)
We could do better
We could do better
We could be the greatest band in the world (whoa)
____________________________________
I find this song very inspiring...because we all can do better. Even if it's just a little more kindness, a touch more patience or holding the door open for someone--we all can do just a little better each day.
I like that it starts with "life is not a spark in space." It reminds me that we all have meaning, each of us was meant to be...and meant to be in this world.
I can do better.
Today I can do better than yesterday.
Tomorrow I will do better than today.
And if I don't do better one day...then I will the next.
I will not be the 'existential equivalent of pink eye.'
I will do better.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Strange Life
by Tickle Me Pink
I can hardly remember, the days when I felt free,
Never searching, 'cause it all made sense to me.
I will always remember, that point when I found out,
All my own plans may never come around.
Still we go on, never asking why...
I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life,
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense.
Somebody take this fake life, save me from this plain life,
So everything begins, so everything makes sense,
And nothing ever ends.
I went further to find her, then I ever thought I would.
Looking for answers she always said I could.
Then I knew something was missing, by the way she said my name,
But my own plans couldn't keep her, 'cause it doesn't work that way.
Still we go on, never asking why...
I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life,
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense.
Somebody take this fake life, save me from this plain life,
So everything begins, so everything makes sense.
If nothing ever is, I know some thing's got to give.
I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life,
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense.
I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life,
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense.
Somebody take this fake life, save me from this plain life,
So everything begins, so everything makes sense...
And nothing ever ends...
______________________________________________
I can feel the shift...I can feel this life I have lived, shifting into the life I will be living...
I can feel the skin of it shedding, like a snake who's outgrown his past...
I can feel all the strangeness leading to greatness...
How...I have no idea.
But I feel it...and it all is starting to make sense...and it doesn't have to end.
I can hardly remember, the days when I felt free,
Never searching, 'cause it all made sense to me.
I will always remember, that point when I found out,
All my own plans may never come around.
Still we go on, never asking why...
I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life,
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense.
Somebody take this fake life, save me from this plain life,
So everything begins, so everything makes sense,
And nothing ever ends.
I went further to find her, then I ever thought I would.
Looking for answers she always said I could.
Then I knew something was missing, by the way she said my name,
But my own plans couldn't keep her, 'cause it doesn't work that way.
Still we go on, never asking why...
I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life,
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense.
Somebody take this fake life, save me from this plain life,
So everything begins, so everything makes sense.
If nothing ever is, I know some thing's got to give.
I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life,
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense.
I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life,
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense.
Somebody take this fake life, save me from this plain life,
So everything begins, so everything makes sense...
And nothing ever ends...
______________________________________________
I can feel the shift...I can feel this life I have lived, shifting into the life I will be living...
I can feel the skin of it shedding, like a snake who's outgrown his past...
I can feel all the strangeness leading to greatness...
How...I have no idea.
But I feel it...and it all is starting to make sense...and it doesn't have to end.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Bad Days...
The air is getting cooler...
The days are getting shorter...
The darkness comes earlier, and lingers longer...
There will be bad days.
Today was one of them.
I don't know how to explain it...I don't know how to change it. My mind starts racing so fast, and then it basically flatlines...so I can't think, I can't speak, I can't do anything except stare off into the distance.
It feels as though I am in another world...like I am a ghost that is separate from everyone and everything.
Tomorrow will be better.
The days are getting shorter...
The darkness comes earlier, and lingers longer...
There will be bad days.
Today was one of them.
I don't know how to explain it...I don't know how to change it. My mind starts racing so fast, and then it basically flatlines...so I can't think, I can't speak, I can't do anything except stare off into the distance.
It feels as though I am in another world...like I am a ghost that is separate from everyone and everything.
Tomorrow will be better.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Just This Once...
Today was a beautiful day, with sunshine and relaxation--excepting the Nerf Battle Birthday Party I went to.
I got to spend the day with Ryan, which is always great fun. We got to have a bit of a lazy Sunday, but still enjoy the outdoors! We went for a nice hike (after we visited Verizon, yet again--but they gave me a whole new phone, so hopefully it will work!) and got to rock jump up a creek for a while, which was amazing!
We also spent a good part of the weekend watching the 8th season of Scrubs. I haven't watched it in a good while--but I love that show!! And the last season (while pretty sad most of the time) was wonderful.
I loved the final moments of the final episode...and I can't help but dwell on JD's last sentiment...
"Who's to say my fantasies won't come true, just this once?"
I got to spend the day with Ryan, which is always great fun. We got to have a bit of a lazy Sunday, but still enjoy the outdoors! We went for a nice hike (after we visited Verizon, yet again--but they gave me a whole new phone, so hopefully it will work!) and got to rock jump up a creek for a while, which was amazing!
We also spent a good part of the weekend watching the 8th season of Scrubs. I haven't watched it in a good while--but I love that show!! And the last season (while pretty sad most of the time) was wonderful.
I loved the final moments of the final episode...and I can't help but dwell on JD's last sentiment...
"Who's to say my fantasies won't come true, just this once?"
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Death and Dying...
This day makes me very pensive...for obvious reasons, and for not-so-obvious reasons.
In 2001, my Grandfather was in a hospice at this time, and my Dad and I had plane tickets to visit him at the end of the month. So a little more than 2 weeks after 9.11, I was on a plane.
So this day makes me think about death, and dying.
About how people die and why.
And why some people always seems to die so much sooner than we want them to.
In 2001, my Grandfather was in a hospice at this time, and my Dad and I had plane tickets to visit him at the end of the month. So a little more than 2 weeks after 9.11, I was on a plane.
So this day makes me think about death, and dying.
About how people die and why.
And why some people always seems to die so much sooner than we want them to.
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