All my tomorrows lay ahead,
And I have no idea what each one holds.
There they sit, each patiently waiting their turn,
To shine, to rain, to just exist in the moment.
Each tomorrow holds a promise.
Some will let that promise fall,
Others will uphold it,
Others still will ignore it.
Each day, all I can do is hope.
Hope that today is better than yesterday,
And pray that tomorrow is better than today.
All I know is that the sum of my tomorrows,
Is so much greater than the sum of my yesterdays.
And the difference, is today.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
A brighter tomorrow...
I actually feel pretty good right now. I got to do some tree climbing, and that felt so amazing....super refreshing for my soul. I found my favorite branch, curled up koala style, and laid there for oh...probably an hour. It was just like I remember it...you close your eyes and feel the warm breeze, the tree slightly moving in the wind....the sun shining down and warming you just enough. The feel of the rough bark, and the smell of nature. I need to do this every day...or at least once a week.
I had a really great talk with my Dad today as we laid out ant traps. We talked about the divorce, life after divorce, and moving on. I am so fortunate that my parents are so supportive of everything...I really don't know where I would be if they didn't.
I love this house...my parents' house. It is so beautiful...and I love the yard. Two sides of the yard are lined with these tall trees (the ones I like to climb) and there are birds singing all the time. It is so quiet and serene...most of the time. (At this moment I am actually being bombarded with sirens going down the highway...funny.) But you can hear the breeze, and the birds....and at night, you can actually see the stars really clearly. This place is amazing.
I have started to see this time here kind of as a retreat...a way to prepare for the next steps that I have to take. The quiet helps with that mood...the nostalgia...well, most of the nostalgia anyway. This is home....is always has been...and I think that it always will be a little bit. I am planning to get a Cedric size boulder to put out on the ridge in the back yard, with a plaque...because this was Cedric's yard.
Today I climbed the maple in the back yard...the one that was just as tall as I was when we moved in. It is now taller than the house. It was heartwarming to climb up its limbs...that something can grow so much in so little time...it made me smile. And then I got to thinking...I have grown at least as much--maybe not in height, but in life. That tree will be mine I think....we are kind of twins.
The weather today was amazing...sunny and warm and hopeful. Just like spring should be. It is supposed to snow later in the week, but I am hoping that the beauty of the day will sustain me. Only a few more weeks, and we will be into full-fledged springtime...thank God.
In this moment...I am feeling great. I am confident in the steps that I have to take next. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life....whatever it holds. I am ready for it. I know that when the bell rings for the end of round 2...I will be standing.
Today I realized that I need things...like love and trust. And I need people. I think that I may have to make a list so I don't forget...because knowing me, I will.
Today....I am smiling. I am hopeful. Today has become a great day...and boy did I need that.
I had a really great talk with my Dad today as we laid out ant traps. We talked about the divorce, life after divorce, and moving on. I am so fortunate that my parents are so supportive of everything...I really don't know where I would be if they didn't.
I love this house...my parents' house. It is so beautiful...and I love the yard. Two sides of the yard are lined with these tall trees (the ones I like to climb) and there are birds singing all the time. It is so quiet and serene...most of the time. (At this moment I am actually being bombarded with sirens going down the highway...funny.) But you can hear the breeze, and the birds....and at night, you can actually see the stars really clearly. This place is amazing.
I have started to see this time here kind of as a retreat...a way to prepare for the next steps that I have to take. The quiet helps with that mood...the nostalgia...well, most of the nostalgia anyway. This is home....is always has been...and I think that it always will be a little bit. I am planning to get a Cedric size boulder to put out on the ridge in the back yard, with a plaque...because this was Cedric's yard.
Today I climbed the maple in the back yard...the one that was just as tall as I was when we moved in. It is now taller than the house. It was heartwarming to climb up its limbs...that something can grow so much in so little time...it made me smile. And then I got to thinking...I have grown at least as much--maybe not in height, but in life. That tree will be mine I think....we are kind of twins.
The weather today was amazing...sunny and warm and hopeful. Just like spring should be. It is supposed to snow later in the week, but I am hoping that the beauty of the day will sustain me. Only a few more weeks, and we will be into full-fledged springtime...thank God.
In this moment...I am feeling great. I am confident in the steps that I have to take next. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life....whatever it holds. I am ready for it. I know that when the bell rings for the end of round 2...I will be standing.
Today I realized that I need things...like love and trust. And I need people. I think that I may have to make a list so I don't forget...because knowing me, I will.
Today....I am smiling. I am hopeful. Today has become a great day...and boy did I need that.
When I close my eyes...
Once again I really have no idea what to write about, but I just have this strong urge to write...so I just hope that something worthwhile comes out of this.
There are so many thoughts running through my head. It is a jumble of words, pictures, phrases, music, light and darkness. I reach for something inside there, and end up with something I did not expect at all.
Fear I feel is huge right now. I feel it slowly winding its grasp around me like a boa constrictor...and I have to figure out how to loosen its grip and avoid it altogether. I have to find a way to defend myself.
When I close my eyes...it is all so very dark today. I don't know why today feels darker than the others...but it does. Today when I close my eyes, I see no hope, no joy, no end to this bitterness and pain. I hope that changes tomorrow.
When I close my eyes, it gets so loud inside my head....like all the thoughts, feelings, lack of feelings and everything else are all trying to get out at the same exact moment. It's like my brain and soul are both tired of living within me and are trying to take a holiday.
When I close my eyes...I can feel the silence somewhere...I can't hear it...but I can feel it. And sometimes it is comforting. But the silence then starts to point me to the holes of things I miss...the holes that fill my life right now. The holes that drain my life right now.
When I close my eyes....I want to feel joy. I want to see a smiling face. I want to see love...I want to feel caring and trust. I want to be trusted.
When I close my eyes....I know exactly what I want to see. So for today....I will make it so...I will imagine what I need every time I close my eyes...I will see what I need to see today...for a brighter tomorrow.
There are so many thoughts running through my head. It is a jumble of words, pictures, phrases, music, light and darkness. I reach for something inside there, and end up with something I did not expect at all.
Fear I feel is huge right now. I feel it slowly winding its grasp around me like a boa constrictor...and I have to figure out how to loosen its grip and avoid it altogether. I have to find a way to defend myself.
When I close my eyes...it is all so very dark today. I don't know why today feels darker than the others...but it does. Today when I close my eyes, I see no hope, no joy, no end to this bitterness and pain. I hope that changes tomorrow.
When I close my eyes, it gets so loud inside my head....like all the thoughts, feelings, lack of feelings and everything else are all trying to get out at the same exact moment. It's like my brain and soul are both tired of living within me and are trying to take a holiday.
When I close my eyes...I can feel the silence somewhere...I can't hear it...but I can feel it. And sometimes it is comforting. But the silence then starts to point me to the holes of things I miss...the holes that fill my life right now. The holes that drain my life right now.
When I close my eyes....I want to feel joy. I want to see a smiling face. I want to see love...I want to feel caring and trust. I want to be trusted.
When I close my eyes....I know exactly what I want to see. So for today....I will make it so...I will imagine what I need every time I close my eyes...I will see what I need to see today...for a brighter tomorrow.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Hold tight.
My soul aches,
And I am full of questions.
My mind is racing,
But I cannot find the words to say
Or write.
My life is still tumbling out of control.
I cannot stop it.
I cannot reverse it.
My life may not return to "normal."
I find some comfort in the silence.
But there I also find the hole
Of things missed.
When I close my eyes today,
It is darker than ever.
There is no light,
No hope of a sunrise.
I keep them closed for a while though,
Much longer than I would like to.
It helps me see more clearly
The light in everyday life.
And I am full of questions.
My mind is racing,
But I cannot find the words to say
Or write.
My life is still tumbling out of control.
I cannot stop it.
I cannot reverse it.
My life may not return to "normal."
I find some comfort in the silence.
But there I also find the hole
Of things missed.
When I close my eyes today,
It is darker than ever.
There is no light,
No hope of a sunrise.
I keep them closed for a while though,
Much longer than I would like to.
It helps me see more clearly
The light in everyday life.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Count 1....2....
I can't believe that Cedric is gone. It's absolutely heartbreaking.
I was the one who found him...he was at the foot of the stairs when I came home. I laid down next to him just because I had been planning to stay up with him because I haven't been sleeping anyway. And then I noticed he didn't move....and he wasn't breathing.
I just laid there...tried to wake him up. Whispered to him. Shook him. Tried to feel a pulse. And then I just cried.
There are times I wish I could go back to feeling nothing. Today is one of those days.
I feel like I just got hit with a knock out punch...a couple of epic ones. I feel myself falling, knowing I am going down....knowing I am going to hit the mat. I just don't know if i will be able to get back up once I am down...
I was the one who found him...he was at the foot of the stairs when I came home. I laid down next to him just because I had been planning to stay up with him because I haven't been sleeping anyway. And then I noticed he didn't move....and he wasn't breathing.
I just laid there...tried to wake him up. Whispered to him. Shook him. Tried to feel a pulse. And then I just cried.
There are times I wish I could go back to feeling nothing. Today is one of those days.
I feel like I just got hit with a knock out punch...a couple of epic ones. I feel myself falling, knowing I am going down....knowing I am going to hit the mat. I just don't know if i will be able to get back up once I am down...
Cedric Bubba Ray
December 28, 1996-March 18, 2009
Cedric Bubba Ray passed away peacefully in his sleep on Wednesday March 18, 2009. He is survived by his parents, Bob and Dianne; his siblings, Patrick, Chad, Lisa and Scott; and his nieces and nephew, Tiana, Kairi and Sora.
Cedric lived a full life. He spent all his years at his parents' house in Lafayette, CO, enjoying the beauty of the outdoors and the joy of life.
Cedric enjoyed many adventures in his 12 years of life on this earth. As a pup, his family had to be careful to keep the house pretty clean, because within his first week at his new home he had eaten so much trash and tree bark that he had to have his stomach pumped. His parents had to replace the screen door on the front of the house because one day Cedric figured out how to open it and decided to take himself on a walk. (The neighbors down the street recognized him and brought him back home.) Cedric enjoyed playing in the water in the summertime, and he used to try to eat the bottom of his swimming pool. Cedric also enjoyed when the tulips would bloom in the springtime. He loved tulips--exactly the way you think a gentle "giant" would. He never tried to eat them, but instead would simply smell them. He enjoyed the winter at least as much--if not more. He loved to stick his face down into the snow and plow his face through, earning himself the nickname "Bulldozer."
As a younger dog,Cedric did not enjoy his time in obedience school. His stature earned him the nickname "Barrel Boy," and somehow his family ended up more trained than he did. Eventually he learned "sit" very well, because he knew there was a treat for him if he listened.
Cedric's favorite time of year was definitely the Thanksgiving and Christmas season. His Dad always let him participate in the carving of the turkey--which meant he had a steady stream of turkey pieces to munch on. Cedric loved to be surrounded by his family, and the holiday season always brought his brothers and sister home to visit.
In his golden years, Cedric was still a best friend to many. There wasn't a soul that he didn't love, from the cats that were just brought into his home to the rabbits in the yard; he loved them all. Cedric was always the most gentle creature--even though he did not sound gentle in the midst of a raucous game of tug-o-war. He loved to win, and had the tenacity to do so.
Cedric endured many health problems toward the end of his life. Cedric survived a spleenectomy only two days before his beloved "turkey day," and despite not moving for 24 hours after surgery--was ready to eat the turkey as soon as it was pulled from the oven. He lost his hearing, suffered from arthritis and in the last couple months withstood seizures. Despite his growing health concerns, Cedric always loved life, and always carried a sense of joy within himself.
His family has been greatly blessed by his presence in their lives, and Cedric will be sorely missed.
Cedric's ashes will be spread around the yard of his parents' house.
All dogs go to heaven, and heaven just got another angel.
He last wishes would have been for you to eat a turkey in memory of him. Just make sure you pay the "Bubba Tax," and set aside a piece for him.
Cedric Bubba Ray passed away peacefully in his sleep on Wednesday March 18, 2009. He is survived by his parents, Bob and Dianne; his siblings, Patrick, Chad, Lisa and Scott; and his nieces and nephew, Tiana, Kairi and Sora.
Cedric lived a full life. He spent all his years at his parents' house in Lafayette, CO, enjoying the beauty of the outdoors and the joy of life.
Cedric enjoyed many adventures in his 12 years of life on this earth. As a pup, his family had to be careful to keep the house pretty clean, because within his first week at his new home he had eaten so much trash and tree bark that he had to have his stomach pumped. His parents had to replace the screen door on the front of the house because one day Cedric figured out how to open it and decided to take himself on a walk. (The neighbors down the street recognized him and brought him back home.) Cedric enjoyed playing in the water in the summertime, and he used to try to eat the bottom of his swimming pool. Cedric also enjoyed when the tulips would bloom in the springtime. He loved tulips--exactly the way you think a gentle "giant" would. He never tried to eat them, but instead would simply smell them. He enjoyed the winter at least as much--if not more. He loved to stick his face down into the snow and plow his face through, earning himself the nickname "Bulldozer."
As a younger dog,Cedric did not enjoy his time in obedience school. His stature earned him the nickname "Barrel Boy," and somehow his family ended up more trained than he did. Eventually he learned "sit" very well, because he knew there was a treat for him if he listened.
Cedric's favorite time of year was definitely the Thanksgiving and Christmas season. His Dad always let him participate in the carving of the turkey--which meant he had a steady stream of turkey pieces to munch on. Cedric loved to be surrounded by his family, and the holiday season always brought his brothers and sister home to visit.
In his golden years, Cedric was still a best friend to many. There wasn't a soul that he didn't love, from the cats that were just brought into his home to the rabbits in the yard; he loved them all. Cedric was always the most gentle creature--even though he did not sound gentle in the midst of a raucous game of tug-o-war. He loved to win, and had the tenacity to do so.
Cedric endured many health problems toward the end of his life. Cedric survived a spleenectomy only two days before his beloved "turkey day," and despite not moving for 24 hours after surgery--was ready to eat the turkey as soon as it was pulled from the oven. He lost his hearing, suffered from arthritis and in the last couple months withstood seizures. Despite his growing health concerns, Cedric always loved life, and always carried a sense of joy within himself.
His family has been greatly blessed by his presence in their lives, and Cedric will be sorely missed.
Cedric's ashes will be spread around the yard of his parents' house.
All dogs go to heaven, and heaven just got another angel.
He last wishes would have been for you to eat a turkey in memory of him. Just make sure you pay the "Bubba Tax," and set aside a piece for him.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Not yet down for the count...
It is amazing what one good day can do. The pain is not gone, but it has subsided substantially. I don't feel like I need to sleep for 100 years just to get through tomorrow. And that is pretty great right about now.
Fortunately this is not one of those moments where I almost literally have to hold my heart in. The past few days I have had to really physically push on my chest sometimes just to stop the ripping, exploding feeling in my heart. But not right now...
It's nice to have these moments where I feel human again...where I don't feel like such a shadow of myself. Instead I start to feel like...a really big newborn, with a clean slate and a whole lot to do in this world. I am reminded that I am down, but not out. Round one may have left me battered, bruised, and completely baffled--but I am ready to kick ass in round two.
I am down, but not out. I really hope I can feel this hopeful in the morning.
Fortunately this is not one of those moments where I almost literally have to hold my heart in. The past few days I have had to really physically push on my chest sometimes just to stop the ripping, exploding feeling in my heart. But not right now...
It's nice to have these moments where I feel human again...where I don't feel like such a shadow of myself. Instead I start to feel like...a really big newborn, with a clean slate and a whole lot to do in this world. I am reminded that I am down, but not out. Round one may have left me battered, bruised, and completely baffled--but I am ready to kick ass in round two.
I am down, but not out. I really hope I can feel this hopeful in the morning.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Moving out...
I have moved.
Out of my old house,
Into my older house.
But somehow I have a harder time
Moving out of my old role,
And into my new one.
You've made it clear that you don't care,
Just by telling me how much I don't care.
The empty rooms echo
Like the pieces of my heart.
Feeling empty, broken,
And out of place.
This is not what I wanted.
I have not won.
I have lost it all.
You may feel the victim here,
but I am a victim too.
And the fact that you refuse
To acknowledge my pain
Makes it even greater.
You display your pain
Like a peacock displays his feathers,
I don't understand why.
But each display puts me down,
Pushes me further away from you
And from the love I know we once shared.
I am moving out.
Out of my old role,
And into my new one...
I cannot stay in my old role
Any more than I can stay at your house.
I am moving out.
I am moving on...
Out of my old house,
Into my older house.
But somehow I have a harder time
Moving out of my old role,
And into my new one.
You've made it clear that you don't care,
Just by telling me how much I don't care.
The empty rooms echo
Like the pieces of my heart.
Feeling empty, broken,
And out of place.
This is not what I wanted.
I have not won.
I have lost it all.
You may feel the victim here,
but I am a victim too.
And the fact that you refuse
To acknowledge my pain
Makes it even greater.
You display your pain
Like a peacock displays his feathers,
I don't understand why.
But each display puts me down,
Pushes me further away from you
And from the love I know we once shared.
I am moving out.
Out of my old role,
And into my new one...
I cannot stay in my old role
Any more than I can stay at your house.
I am moving out.
I am moving on...
Mending...unending.
Some days it seems ok.
Some days it is very manageable.
Other days the pain is overwhelming,
And some days I wonder if I will ever feel anything
Except pain...and failure.
Some moments are wonderful,
I forget how much it hurts.
Some moments everything seems to go right,
And I forget all that is wrong.
Other moments I feel so much,
I am afraid that my heart might explode.
Other moments it feels as though someone is trying
To rip my heart out from my chest.
There will be more of both days,
More of both moments.
Some days my heart will leap for joy,
Others it will cower and be wrenched with pain.
Today it is full of pain and sorrow.
The mending process is slow today,
And I wish it could just be done....for both of us.
Some days it is very manageable.
Other days the pain is overwhelming,
And some days I wonder if I will ever feel anything
Except pain...and failure.
Some moments are wonderful,
I forget how much it hurts.
Some moments everything seems to go right,
And I forget all that is wrong.
Other moments I feel so much,
I am afraid that my heart might explode.
Other moments it feels as though someone is trying
To rip my heart out from my chest.
There will be more of both days,
More of both moments.
Some days my heart will leap for joy,
Others it will cower and be wrenched with pain.
Today it is full of pain and sorrow.
The mending process is slow today,
And I wish it could just be done....for both of us.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Trust and memories...
Even now I know you don't trust me.
You say you do,
The questions are benign....
But I know you so much better than that.
Even now....I don't trust you.
Every comment I assume is aimed to hurt
Or to tear something away from me.
I am afraid I don't know anymore...
There was a time when I knew...
There was a time when I trusted.
I was heartbroken when I found out
There was not a time when you trusted...
There was not a time when you knew...
I gave all that I had to give
And even more.
Pieces of my heart and soul
Lay strewn along the path we walked together.
Torn apart and shredded.
I gave all that I had to give.
I wish you trusted that was true.
You say you do,
The questions are benign....
But I know you so much better than that.
Even now....I don't trust you.
Every comment I assume is aimed to hurt
Or to tear something away from me.
I am afraid I don't know anymore...
There was a time when I knew...
There was a time when I trusted.
I was heartbroken when I found out
There was not a time when you trusted...
There was not a time when you knew...
I gave all that I had to give
And even more.
Pieces of my heart and soul
Lay strewn along the path we walked together.
Torn apart and shredded.
I gave all that I had to give.
I wish you trusted that was true.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)