Exhausted....completely

I can't remember the last time I was so tired....in college there were times when I had to pull all-nighters, but somehow I was still never this tired. Even during Fiddler last year when I stayed up for oh...about 50 hours straight, I wasn't this drained.

I just feel tired in every way...physically, mentally...emotionally. I would like to just close my eyes and sleep for a month...then maybe things would fall into place again.

This is such a weird place to be...in so many ways. But it will be ok. I have been riding the roller coaster for months, jarring, screeching, and kidney bruising....but I know I will come out on the other end ok.

I really can't wait to get my own apartment...living in my old bedroom is just strange...none of my stuff is here. Not my bed, not my sheets, not my desk...and none of my clothes in the tiny closet. But soon some of that will change. I am moving everything out of the old place, and into here on Sunday. It will be a nice change of pace to actually have all of my stuff here...

The cats will come here Saturday. I really can't wait. It has been so lonely without them...and it will be nice to have their company again. It has been almost 2 weeks since I have spent any time with them....oh how I miss them....so so so much. But my children are coming home soon!!

I want someplace to feel like home again...and I hope that here will feel like home once the cats are here...I am sorry they have to move twice...but I know they will enjoy the change of scenery...

Here's hoping that tomorrow goes well....

Life Interrupted

My life doesn't feel like my own yet. It hasn't for a while, but I was really hoping that by now I would be feeling some semblance of myself. i just wonder how much longer it will take.

I used to tell my friends that there was a fine line between dating and marriage--in watching your own back versus the back of the person you love. I always said that while you were dating, you had to watch your own back; but then once you got married...you could simply cover the person you love. What happens when the formula doesn't work? What happens when you end up having to cover not only their back and your own, but when the other person turns and fires on you?

I guess I found out that there is always a fine line to walk. Trust is a large part of love, and without it so much fails.

It's a nice notion to have someone to stand by you...but what happens when you realize that you want to be walking...or even running, and they just keep standing?

Life interrupted. My life interrupted. That's how I feel today. Everything off schedule, no sleep, no concentration....and feeling like I am letting down those around me.

I just want my life back...I know I can fix it...but I want it to be fixed now.

Starting the legal process...

Today I started the legal process of the divorce. Maybe that is why I am so wiped out now. So in theory...somewhere around 120 days from now...I will be legally single again. Weird...really weird.

Today was a long day...a very long day. But tomorrow is a new day....and I can't wait to see what it holds.

Tomorrow Brian starts his part of the legal process, so I guess we will see how that goes. Then we actually have to meet together to fill out paperwork...I am just so ready to have the paperwork done, and for it all to be over with.

But as someone reminded me today...it is a process. And little by little, I will see the progress. I really hope that's true. I need to see some progress soon...

Well...I would write more...but I am totally wiped. I will let you know what tomorrow brings.

25...and getting divorced.

I am trying to write here every day...not entirely sure why, but I think that it might help me. Work through stuff...make my way through the muck.

Today I finally started telling people outright...I am getting divorced. I don't think this is the venue to explain why, but I tried everything...and realized that I am too young to be this unhappy. Someone has to look out for me...and it might as well be me...and I am fine with that.

Don't worry about me. I say I am fine...OK...doing well--and I actually am. I am happy...free. I see doors opening that I thought were bolted shut to me...and I am really excited about it all. I can't wait to see what is awaiting me...

It's time that something in my life is about me...not about making money for us or trying to get us to be closer....working so hard for us to work. Trying so hard to make us happy...forgetting what it was like for me to be happy.

I want to be happy...so I am going to do what it takes to make me happy. End of story...well, maybe it's just the beginning....it's definitely just the beginning....

Scar tissue that I wish you saw...

I can show you some of my scars,
Some have great stories.
This one on my arm
is from a go cart motor.
The one above my eye from a dog bite.
(And yet I have never feared dogs.)
The puffy one on my hand from
falling off a golf cart,
the series of scars down my side from the same fall.
Split my head open in 4th grade,
the evidence, a nice scar right in the middle of my hairline.
A nice neat scar on my wrist,
surgery to help me work better.

But I can't show you all the scars on the inside.
I can't show you how cut up and broken my heart is.
I can't show you how deep the scars run...
How long they have taken to heal...
How many are still healing.

If I could transfer the scars on the inside to the outside...
You might not see me the same way.
You could see the pain I am feeling...
And how some scars are splitting open with new wounds.

I wish you could see my scars.
All of them.
Then maybe you would understand.

Trust and consequences...

What do you do when you realize the one person you were supposed to be able to trust most in the world betrays you...terribly and repeatedly? What do you do when all you thought was true crumbles beneath you?

I remember everything.
I remember the day we met,
And how it felt when you first kissed me.
I remember our hot summer days at the pool,
And how I would always follow you around...
Getting us both in trouble.
I remember silly fights,
Why you saw a movie without me
And why you didn't call me one day.
I remember saying everyone deserves another chance...
And I remember giving you that chance....giving us that chance.
I remember the late night phone calls,
Being forbidden to spend time with you.
I remember the costly phone bills
And following you everywhere at school.
I remember not being sure...but trusting you.
I remember the moment you proposed,
So nervous, but not on one knee.
I remember the hard times...
Fighting over stupid things like candles and guests,
Location and priest.
I remember the day we said, "I do..."
And how good it felt to have someone to hold so closely,
So dearly...so completely.
I remember crying...for joy...as a release.
I remember the glow, the glow of a new love.
I remember the long nights apart...
Days and nights at work, apart from one another.
I remember more fights...over alcohol, time apart, friends and more.
I remember how I longed to spend time with you...
How I begged you to see me.
I remember how much it hurt to have you hold me,
Knowing you didn't know me at all.
I remember that night...that night.
And I wish I didn't.
I will remember our love...how it grew, was choked, and died.
I will remember how we used to make each other laugh...
Laugh until we cried.
I will remember the good times...
But they cannot overshadow the bad times.
I will remember the pain when you said I was giving up.
But I must remember that I have to take care of myself.
Because that you forgot.
I trusted you to care for me...
But that you forgot.

It is not easy to be in this place. To be so torn apart from the one that you just want most in the world to be a part of...but you know you can't be anymore.

Don't Stop Believin'

Some days I don't even know where to begin. Other days I don't know how it will end...and overall I realize that there is just a lot that I don't know. And I am OK with that.

I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life...no where near it. But I guess that's OK...I guess I didn't know what I needed.

And now I am starting to figure that out.

I know everyone takes this journey at some point in their life...and I guess now it's my turn. I will try to not bore with you details...but I am ready.

I am ready for a fresh start--whatever that entails. I may have to get really dirty before I get my clean slate...but it will be worth it. Everyone gets a second chance...and a third...and a fourth....everyone gets a mulligan.

So who am I? I am not quite sure at this point. Who will I be? Whoever I damn well please.

But I will never stop believing...in myself, in the power of love, family, and friendship.

Risk

Go on and leap
Take the jump
The fall is steep
You hit some bumps

You start to fall
You fall too far
You lose it all
Lose who you are

Just have to keep breathing
Just try to move on
Now you are seeing
Where it went wrong

You fell too steep
You hit the bumps
It was too deep
But you took the jump
____________________________________________________
My friend Brittany just wrote this for me, and I totally feel it.

Thanks Britt for understanding....you rock.

Untitled

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
In this place that is so very strange,
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I am sorry I am breaking your heart,
But you have broken mine.
Mending hearts takes more than mending fences.
With you I had let down all my defenses,
And each time, you let me fall.
This is not what I expected from love at all.

I try to speak so you will hear,
Talking louder until I am screaming.
But I am still alone and dreaming,
Trying to escape from the fear.

Deep down I know your heart is true,
but that very heart you keep from me.
Every piece of me I try to let you see,
But each time you don't understand, do you?

Now I lay me down to sleep,
All alone as I weep.
If I should die before I wake,
You should know my heart was not yours to take.

Beating your head against a wall covered in sandpaper...

Take a moment to imagine what that would feel like. Now imagine doing that for months and months on end. That is what I feel like right now.

It's difficult to know what the right answer is...which is the right choice. But sometimes you just have to follow your gut...and my gut tells me it's over. It is absolutely heartbreaking...heartwrenching. But some things you cannot change...

I have had some people ask what it is like...going through divorce. And I just tell them it's like feeling every emotion at the same time. Most of all I think are: failure, sadness, and relief. I kind of feel like I have been trying to give CPR to a person who died months ago. So there is a great sense of failure in that I was unable to keep something alive, sadness in the loss of something great, and relief because I can finally go about my own life. I am sure I will never forget the experience...

There is also a great sense of loneliness--well, I think it's more "aloneness" than loneliness. I do not long to have someone near-I just feel very alone. Some people try to give you advice based of off the brief glimpses they get into your relationship--some people who make it so difficult to hear. So I just want to be alone for a while...what is so wrong with that? I don't have a desire to be surrounded by people...I just want to be able to move on with my life.

So, with my head raw, battered and bloody...I finally decided to stop beating my head against the wall. It will take some time to heal, but that is fine with me. I need some time anyway...