I was on the hunt for some old memories last weekend, and I stumbled upon some that were not my own. I have a few pieces like that in my collection - but nothing like this.
My Grandfather died on October 1, 2001. I was with him when he died and I have missed him dearly every day since. Before he died, he gave all of us an amazing gift - books. Books that he had written. His history, his musings. All printed and bound just for us - his family.
I have read all of the books he gave me multiple times over the years. I remember reading them as quickly as possible after they hit my grubby little hands. I wonder now that if he chose to slip his precious words into sheet protectors because he knew me well, and he knew that I would dig in - no matter how dirty my hands were. I am sure I was the first grandchild to finish the books, and I eagerly came back to him asking questions - "Did he really say "ships" instead of "sheep"? Did you really name your cows after Grandma? How did you stay left-handed in that day and age?"
I like to think that my interest never waned, but I know it did. But only just slightly enough that I wasn't incessantly bombarding both my Grandfather and Grandmother with endless questions. I longed for the stories of the past. It was almost as though each story was stone helping me build my own path into this life. I wanted to hear of other lands, other people. I yearned to know more.
In our family, there's a rumor. It's a good rumor - one that I hope is true.
My Grandfather wrote another book. And we can't read it yet.
I sincerely hope that it is true, although there is some sadness to it that I will address at another time.
But this story is about what I found - not what I am hoping to find.
I was digging through the strata of memories I have stored up, when I stumbled upon the books my Grandfather wrote. I ran my hand along the familiar purple binder and protected pages, but in between the usual books, I feel something else entirely not familiar.
There are two other books. TWO.
One is quite small - it is obviously MUCH older than my other books. The other is a bit older - but maybe only about five years older than the books I already have. As I held the older book in my hands, turning it over, checking the binding and the decay of the glue, I remembered how I came to have this book. I have had it for four years - it was something my Grandmother let me take with me when we packed her up to move from Tucson to Colorado. I had forgotten. For four years.
If you are a bibliophile, then you understand the feeling of discovering a new book that you simply cannot wait to read. Unfortunately, I found these books during an extremely turbulent week, so they had to wait.
I began reading "A Collection of Essays on The Idiosyncrasies and Biases of A Worn Out Program Administrator" as soon as I had the head space for it. Which happened to be today. The preface was written in December 1982, more than a year before I was born.
Throughout the years since my Grandfather's death, there have been many times that I felt our paths continued to cross. I can't tell you how many random (and not so random) people I have met that know someone who worked with my Grandfather overseas. The latest was a former board member, and we relished in a few moments of nostalgia, as we felt the depth of the phrase "what a small world".
There is a wealth of feeling and emotion tucked up in this little book. Not only from the writer, but also my own. Because I know the future that he talks about.
The book itself is not a thing of beauty - but then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I would trade any gold-painted book for this one in my hands.
I think this might be the new direction of my blog - bringing his stories back to life, after being lost for so long. Reading his words are comforting - perhaps not for the reasons you might think: providing context, building history, filling in lost stories. They are comforting because even though this was all written before my birth, I find pieces of myself in the writing. I read the whole thing - all 72 pages in one sitting. I found myself both laughing and crying - which only reminded me of when he died. I was only 17, but I remember the hot tears welling up in my eyes, streaking my face, and the tearing of a piece of my heart. I remember as we sat or stood around his bed, and started to reminisce. And before we knew it, laughter had broken out even as the nurse removed his wedding band and placed it in my Grandmother's hands.
I lost this art for a long while, and I have missed it. But now I know it runs in my blood, and there's no stopping it.
Monday, June 11, 2018
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Starting Again
I keep vowing that I will start writing again. I miss it dearly and I have noticed how my skills have wasted in the years that I haven't flexed my writing muscle. As someone who once was absolutely terrified of public speaking, to find myself more comfortable talking to someone as opposed to writing to them - that's a dramatic shift.
I know I am not great at this right this moment. But I promise that I will get better. Not only because I have to, but also because I want to. I love the click of the keyboard or the swish of pen on paper. I miss that.
Today, I had another cardiac episode. It was the worst I can remember. For the first time in a while, I thought I was going to faint. I experienced weakness like I never have before, and even started having trouble articulating my thoughts. I found myself hunting for words, seeing them in my head - but unable to get them out of my mouth.
The good news is, my EKG showed nothing exciting or out of the ordinary for me. I was diagnosed with premature atrial complexes in early 2012 and my Dad has Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome; so cardiac episodes are not out of the ordinary for me. I am used to chest pain, fainting when surprised, and palpitations. I am not used to trouble speaking and weakness.
My initial diagnosis today is: I have a sensitive heart. Well, one sensitive to stress anyway. (I think it is sensitive in a lot of ways, but that's another post.) So, now I have to find out how to reduce my stress to avoid more episodes - because I can't leave work halfway through the day every day.
Anyway, I have no idea where this blog is going right now, but I'll figure it out. You're welcome to come along for the ride, if you'd like. I promise it will be interesting - big things are on the horizon.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
The Zoo Grows...
A lot has changed in the Bungle Zoo in the last couple of years! Our household has grown by leaps and bounds, including many new reptiles, a new dog, and a new cat. Our very full house now includes:
Sora: our eldest little furball at 9 years old. He grown into a wonderful, crotchety, grump-a-puss. We love his whiny ass dearly!
Kairi: is a picture of beauty, but lacking all the graces you would typically expect of a cat. She loves cuddling for hours on end, and is a tiny, amazing 8 year old little furball.
Kaylee: our beautiful 5 year old lab/cattle dog mix. Our lovely girl has grown from an adorable pup with personality to a wonderful adult dog full of love, fun, and endless kisses.
Charlie: is our 4 year old little medical baby, and our suffo-cuddling (suffocation and cuddling cross) puppy. She is bursting full of love, and the saddest puppy eyes on the planet.
River: our newest little pup, and just a baby at just 3 years old. She is our codependent, loving, gentle little girl.
Melvin: the newest furry addition to our family and just 3 years old. He is wiser and calmer than his age would lend him to. He loves everyone, dogs and cats inclusive.
We also have a room full of reptiles: two green tree monitors, two spotted tree monitors, two giant day geckos, three leopard geckos, a western ornate turtle, a nosy be chameleon, an Egyptian uromastyx, and a peacock monitor. Soon there will be four more peacock monitors too!
Lastly, we are so excited to welcome the first biological addition to our family - a new zookeeper! In August we will welcome a new bundle of joy! We are so thrilled and excited for this new adventure. (Thrilled and slightly terrified, of course.) But we can't wait!
So, lots of new in the Bungle Zoo! Stick around for more on what's going on in our lives, including pregnancy, fashion, all the animals, and our crazy lives.
Sora: our eldest little furball at 9 years old. He grown into a wonderful, crotchety, grump-a-puss. We love his whiny ass dearly!
Kairi: is a picture of beauty, but lacking all the graces you would typically expect of a cat. She loves cuddling for hours on end, and is a tiny, amazing 8 year old little furball.
Kaylee: our beautiful 5 year old lab/cattle dog mix. Our lovely girl has grown from an adorable pup with personality to a wonderful adult dog full of love, fun, and endless kisses.
Charlie: is our 4 year old little medical baby, and our suffo-cuddling (suffocation and cuddling cross) puppy. She is bursting full of love, and the saddest puppy eyes on the planet.
River: our newest little pup, and just a baby at just 3 years old. She is our codependent, loving, gentle little girl.
Melvin: the newest furry addition to our family and just 3 years old. He is wiser and calmer than his age would lend him to. He loves everyone, dogs and cats inclusive.
We also have a room full of reptiles: two green tree monitors, two spotted tree monitors, two giant day geckos, three leopard geckos, a western ornate turtle, a nosy be chameleon, an Egyptian uromastyx, and a peacock monitor. Soon there will be four more peacock monitors too!
Lastly, we are so excited to welcome the first biological addition to our family - a new zookeeper! In August we will welcome a new bundle of joy! We are so thrilled and excited for this new adventure. (Thrilled and slightly terrified, of course.) But we can't wait!
So, lots of new in the Bungle Zoo! Stick around for more on what's going on in our lives, including pregnancy, fashion, all the animals, and our crazy lives.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Newness...
I can't believe how long it has been since I have written here. It's so odd that I spent so much time here just a couple years ago--and now it can go months and months without me even thinking about this blog...
I think that part of my dilemma in writing now is that...it's not just mine anymore. Anything I write about my life, it's also Ryan's life too. And it just feels weird to write from just my perspective...
So, with 2012 come and gone, and 2013 almost half-gone--so much has changed! We bought a house, adopted another youngster (that's Charlie Rose and Kaylee on our bed), and I got a new job.
I do feel like writing again, but what I am not sure. Time will tell...
Monday, May 21, 2012
Yonderings....
My Grandfather wrote a series of books for us grandchildren--he called them "Grandpa Ray's Yonderin's." He and my Grandma painstakingly hole-punched, organized and color-coded books for each of us...mine was purple. I can't remember if I read it right away...but I remember that once I did start reading, I didn't want to stop.
They were simple stories--just little things about his life and growing up...and some big stories like how he met Grandma (my favorite.) There was something so captivating about his stories--something so deep yet accessible.
All of us have a story to tell...and lately I have been feeling like it is time to try and regale others with my stories--but more importantly, I want to share the story of my Grandmother.
I have had the pleasure of getting to be a part of my Grandmother's story over the past 28 years...but I know that I don't get the whole story. I am hoping that over the next few months I can help my Grandmother pen her own Yonderin's.
I feel that her journey has informed my own, and that her stories will help enliven mine.
We all have our yonderin's...I just hope we all take the time to pass them on.
Friday, April 13, 2012
1,001 Things...
Lately, I feel as though there are 1,001 things pulling me in 1,001 directions. You ever feel that way?
There are not very many truly quiet moments--even as I sit here the laundry and dirty dishes are hollering to get done; I can hear the faint cry of the bathrooms needing to be cleaned; and Sora is never quiet. At least not lately...
Do you remember being a kid, and getting to enjoy moments?
Laying in the grass staring at clouds...
Feeling the breeze blow past as the tree you've climbed sways lazily...
Skipping stones across the lake watching the ripples disappear...
Hiding quietly, watching wild rabbits hop right past you...
How often do we get to be still anymore? Of course, this thought crossed my mind this morning as I was driving home from work to pick up paperwork while mapping out my next destination. Everything is so *now.* There is no moment to think--to be pensive or thoughtful. If an idea pops into our heads, we have everything at our fingertips to execute everything *now.*
Where has the stillness gone? Where have the quiet moments of life left to? Where has our ability to disappear into the wilderness gone?
There is no time to be still...the quiet moments of thoughtfulness are easily interrupted by the ring of a phone or the necessity of "getting something done." There is always something to be done--another check mark off a list. But how often do we remember to be still...and know who we are?
The Mountains are calling,
And I must go--
How far they will take me,
I do not know.
In my mind winds a path,
Of little sense and rhyme;
Simply one of the wild
And a lost sense of time.
The sea is calling,
And I must go--
In its waves and torrents
I will bury all forgotten sorrow.
In my soul burns a fire,
Of a most passionate flame;
And despite every attempt,
This one they cannot tame.
The Mountains are calling,
And I must go--
Wherever they will lead me,
I will surely follow.
I will follow in the quiet stillness...to try and know what is this life...and who I am.
There are not very many truly quiet moments--even as I sit here the laundry and dirty dishes are hollering to get done; I can hear the faint cry of the bathrooms needing to be cleaned; and Sora is never quiet. At least not lately...
Do you remember being a kid, and getting to enjoy moments?
Laying in the grass staring at clouds...
Feeling the breeze blow past as the tree you've climbed sways lazily...
Skipping stones across the lake watching the ripples disappear...
Hiding quietly, watching wild rabbits hop right past you...
How often do we get to be still anymore? Of course, this thought crossed my mind this morning as I was driving home from work to pick up paperwork while mapping out my next destination. Everything is so *now.* There is no moment to think--to be pensive or thoughtful. If an idea pops into our heads, we have everything at our fingertips to execute everything *now.*
Where has the stillness gone? Where have the quiet moments of life left to? Where has our ability to disappear into the wilderness gone?
There is no time to be still...the quiet moments of thoughtfulness are easily interrupted by the ring of a phone or the necessity of "getting something done." There is always something to be done--another check mark off a list. But how often do we remember to be still...and know who we are?
The Mountains are calling,
And I must go--
How far they will take me,
I do not know.
In my mind winds a path,
Of little sense and rhyme;
Simply one of the wild
And a lost sense of time.
The sea is calling,
And I must go--
In its waves and torrents
I will bury all forgotten sorrow.
In my soul burns a fire,
Of a most passionate flame;
And despite every attempt,
This one they cannot tame.
The Mountains are calling,
And I must go--
Wherever they will lead me,
I will surely follow.
I will follow in the quiet stillness...to try and know what is this life...and who I am.
Friday, March 2, 2012
An Unusual Rhythm....
This post is for all of you who are so very sweetly concerned with how I am doing...so here's the whole story:
My Dad has a congenital heart syndrome (defect, differentness, whatever) called Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome. He had no idea he had it until he was in his 40s, and has since had it ablated twice.
About a year and a half ago, I started having weird stuff happen--I would all of a sudden feel absolutely beyond exhausted after "normal" exertion. There would be nothing I could do but lie down and wait for it to pass. I didn't think much of it until a few months ago, when these episodes started getting closer together and started involving more symptoms. I would get dizzy, short of breath, and my heart would race for no apparent reason. After chatting with my Dad, it seemed that I was having the same symptoms he had for WPW.
I kept telling myself that I would get in to see the doctor soon, but kept being too busy. But this past Wednesday, during a normal yoga workout I almost passed out. I could barely breathe, my heart was racing and the world started turning dark. I had to stop dead in my tracks to keep from passing out.
So, needless to say, I went to the doctor yesterday. I got an EKG and some blood tests to see what's up. The EKG looked normal, so they want me to be hooked up to an "event monitor:" a heart monitor that I wear for 2 weeks that will record times when I am having abnormal heart activity.
And that is all I know for the moment. I am waiting for the call to go in and get set up with my awesome event monitor ( just like Barney!!), and I will know about my blood test results next week.
Hopefully, it's all something that can go away very easily. Until then, I'm not going to worry my little head over it...too much.
Thank you all for your concern! I will keep you posted on how everything is progressing.
My Dad has a congenital heart syndrome (defect, differentness, whatever) called Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome. He had no idea he had it until he was in his 40s, and has since had it ablated twice.
About a year and a half ago, I started having weird stuff happen--I would all of a sudden feel absolutely beyond exhausted after "normal" exertion. There would be nothing I could do but lie down and wait for it to pass. I didn't think much of it until a few months ago, when these episodes started getting closer together and started involving more symptoms. I would get dizzy, short of breath, and my heart would race for no apparent reason. After chatting with my Dad, it seemed that I was having the same symptoms he had for WPW.
I kept telling myself that I would get in to see the doctor soon, but kept being too busy. But this past Wednesday, during a normal yoga workout I almost passed out. I could barely breathe, my heart was racing and the world started turning dark. I had to stop dead in my tracks to keep from passing out.
So, needless to say, I went to the doctor yesterday. I got an EKG and some blood tests to see what's up. The EKG looked normal, so they want me to be hooked up to an "event monitor:" a heart monitor that I wear for 2 weeks that will record times when I am having abnormal heart activity.
And that is all I know for the moment. I am waiting for the call to go in and get set up with my awesome event monitor ( just like Barney!!), and I will know about my blood test results next week.
Hopefully, it's all something that can go away very easily. Until then, I'm not going to worry my little head over it...too much.
Thank you all for your concern! I will keep you posted on how everything is progressing.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Tucson...and the Unexpected...
Ryan and I got to spend a "long weekend" in Tucson last week...and I am already missing the desert warmth!
Ryan surprised me a couple months ago, saying that for my birthday we were going to go visit Grandma for a few days. It was the perfect gift!
As you all know, I love my Grandma very dearly--and I love my Tucson too. It was so much fun to finally get to take Ryan to see it all! We even got to spend Sunday at the Sonora Desert Museum...Ryan enjoyed all the snakes and reptiles--and javelinas too!
Every time I visit Tucson, I wish that I could live there. Honestly, Ryan and I are weighing the pros and cons of several places around the country that we could live. Seattle, Tucson, somewhere else in Colorado...all over the place. We know what we would like to do for work...so now we just have to figure out where we can do what we want to do.
I am always surprised with the curve balls life throws our way...even small unexpected incidents. Like, my biological Mom called me on my birthday. I believe that the last time we spoke was about a year and a half ago. She is doing well, and for that I am very grateful. She is a talker, and talked for about an hour as I did homework. I do think that our relationship is getting better, and she told me that she hopes that our relationship can be even better. I do too.
I am very glad that our biggest sale of the year at TCS is almost over...I am looking forward to having a little more free time to spend on school and projects. One of these days I will finally get the etsy store up and running. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah, I am starting an etsy store--for hats, shirts, corsets...anything and everything I want to make! I have already made several hats, all I have to do is post pictures!
Well, I should get back to homework..or something. I finally finished my tattoos yesterday, and so typing is quite awkward...and I am sure that writing will be awkward too. Worth it, nonetheless.
I hope that life is full of joy and happiness for you! And I hope that the weather is warm (or to your taste!)
Ryan surprised me a couple months ago, saying that for my birthday we were going to go visit Grandma for a few days. It was the perfect gift!
As you all know, I love my Grandma very dearly--and I love my Tucson too. It was so much fun to finally get to take Ryan to see it all! We even got to spend Sunday at the Sonora Desert Museum...Ryan enjoyed all the snakes and reptiles--and javelinas too!
Every time I visit Tucson, I wish that I could live there. Honestly, Ryan and I are weighing the pros and cons of several places around the country that we could live. Seattle, Tucson, somewhere else in Colorado...all over the place. We know what we would like to do for work...so now we just have to figure out where we can do what we want to do.
I am always surprised with the curve balls life throws our way...even small unexpected incidents. Like, my biological Mom called me on my birthday. I believe that the last time we spoke was about a year and a half ago. She is doing well, and for that I am very grateful. She is a talker, and talked for about an hour as I did homework. I do think that our relationship is getting better, and she told me that she hopes that our relationship can be even better. I do too.
I am very glad that our biggest sale of the year at TCS is almost over...I am looking forward to having a little more free time to spend on school and projects. One of these days I will finally get the etsy store up and running. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah, I am starting an etsy store--for hats, shirts, corsets...anything and everything I want to make! I have already made several hats, all I have to do is post pictures!
Well, I should get back to homework..or something. I finally finished my tattoos yesterday, and so typing is quite awkward...and I am sure that writing will be awkward too. Worth it, nonetheless.
I hope that life is full of joy and happiness for you! And I hope that the weather is warm (or to your taste!)
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Baking, Crafting, Music and the Like...
Oh holidays...
I can't believe that Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone; and that it is now 2012! Where in the world did all the time go?!?
Lately, as I have been driving around here and there, I have been contemplating time. How it always passes at the same rate. A minute is a minute...a day is always 24 hours...a year is (leap years excluded) always 525,600 minutes.
Yet, it does not always seem that all minutes are created equal...not even all years seems equal. Relativity, I guess.
2011 was a great year. Sure, it has its up and downs...but it sure was good to us. Our year was packed full of adventure...
So, 2012--here we come. We have big expectations for you. 2011 was pretty epic, so you better not let it show you up.
Thanks friends, for reading! Be on the lookout for more fun stuff from the Borgmanns...because 2012 is the year of the RayBorg...it's a slight adjustment to the Chinese Zodiac calendar. ;-)
Happy New Year to you!!
I can't believe that Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone; and that it is now 2012! Where in the world did all the time go?!?
Lately, as I have been driving around here and there, I have been contemplating time. How it always passes at the same rate. A minute is a minute...a day is always 24 hours...a year is (leap years excluded) always 525,600 minutes.
Yet, it does not always seem that all minutes are created equal...not even all years seems equal. Relativity, I guess.
2011 was a great year. Sure, it has its up and downs...but it sure was good to us. Our year was packed full of adventure...
We moved in together last January (after getting engaged on Christmas 2010)...
I got my nose pierced in April...
I got my nose pierced in April...
We visited Roswell, NM--and various other oddities of NM...
Saw Biffy Clyro live in an awesomely small venue...
Had awesome engagement pictures taken (by Austyn Elizabeth Ford)...
I made my wedding dress in one month...
Had an amazing bridal shower/bachelor party...
GOT MARRIED!!! On my Grandparents' wedding anniversary...
Had a fun time at Boondocks afterward...
Honeymooned in the sand dunes and New Mexico...
Went yurting with the other Borgmanns and the Duncans...
We moved out of our tiny apartment into a lovely townhouse...
Expanded our family with the adoption of Kaylee Serenity...
Went on lovely summer and fall hikes...
Finally got to see Rocktin Grove play...
I discovered my love of baking...
Ryan discovered his love of sharp objects...
Halloween-ed with awesome friends...
We celebrated Ryan's birthday in style...
I began mentoring and volunteering...
Kairi and Sora kept watch over the house...
Kaylee enjoyed her first snow...
Ryan got a new tattoo...
We spent Christmas with our wonderful families...
And we enjoyed every minute of 2011 possible...
So, 2012--here we come. We have big expectations for you. 2011 was pretty epic, so you better not let it show you up.
Thanks friends, for reading! Be on the lookout for more fun stuff from the Borgmanns...because 2012 is the year of the RayBorg...it's a slight adjustment to the Chinese Zodiac calendar. ;-)
Happy New Year to you!!
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