6 weeks+

I have not had a job for a little more than the past 6 weeks. I have not had such a long break in between work since.....well....probably since I was 15 or so.

I honestly thought that not working for so long would drive me absolutely crazy. And sometimes it did.

Last year I started this journey...when I injured my wrist and couldn't work, I had to start to figure out who I was outside of my job. It was a very difficult and trying time, because so much of my identity is tied up in what I do...that not being able to do what I do mean I couldn't be who I was. So I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I was without my work. But that time was just the beginning...

The past 6 months have held a lot of soul searching for me. I have tried to really discover who I am, and who I will be. To have the summer end with my trips to AZ and CA and 6 weeks without work has really been helpful in this journey.

The time away from home gave me time to think...to see myself as separate from everything that I usually tie myself to. I was alone....all alone. There was just me--just who I am. Not me tied up in everything I can do. Reminds me of the phrase "We are human beings not human doings." Which is very true of course--not always as easy to do as it is to say.

So tomorrow, I start back at work. Last first day here....where I will go from here who knows. But once again I will get tied up in what I do and what I can do. Somehow, I think that this year is going to be really different from the past...there will be a much more pronounced separation of work and life....

Once again, my life is going to take priority. Work is work....and I love what I do--but it is not who I am....it is not what encompasses my entire being.

Last first day. Bittersweet and scary.

Igloo 5

I thought I was here before.
And I know I was.
All the blocks had been carried away,
They had all been broken down
And had melted under the summer sun.
All that had remained
Were puddles here and there.

But I look around now...
And I see that somehow,
I have started to build up my igloo again.
Where I found this much ice
In the middle of the summer,
I don't know.

I have realized it earlier this time.
Only a couple rows of ice blocks
Has been laid down...
So the cold still hovers
On the ground.

I must remember....
The cold cannot
Make the pain
Go away.
It only
Makes me
Numb.

I kick over the rows of blocks
That have been rebuilt.
I choose to feel...
The joy the sorrow,
The highs and the lows,
All the emotions of life.

I choose to live in
Happiness.
No matter how much
The world tries to drown it.
I choose to live in
Hope.
No matter how much
The world tried to kill it.

I kick the ice blocks away,
Letting the flowers that have
Been crushed beneath them
Once again see the sunlight.

They are my reminder
That Hope always survives.

My babies....

It is amazing to me how well my children know me. They know when I am leaving for just a few minutes, or when I will be gone for weeks. (I have found that when Sora knows I am leaving for a long time, he blocks the door....)

They know when I need cheering up, and Sora especially knows when I am in a sad mood. He reacts to people crying, always trying to get as close as possible to cheer them up. Last night there was a woman crying on the porch downstairs, and Sora could hear her. So he sat in front of the window for an hour, trying to catch a glimpse of the poor crying creature.

Sora knows I don't want to sleep alone tonight. Usually he sleeps in the kitty condo, or if he's on the bed it's at the very foot. But right now he is curled up against my side....right at my elbow. His cute little feet are curled in tight as he dreams away...and his tiny little body rises and falls with each breath.

Kairi will join us as soon as I pack up the computer. She will lay on top of my head, wrapping herself up in my hair. She will purr and purr and purr until she falls asleep her chin resting on my forehead.

I am the luckiest. Two beautiful, loving, caring children. They light up my every day, and cheer me up when no one and nothing else can.

See...the thing about being with someone for so long, is it is hard to forget that dates no longer have meaning. Like August 14th. 8 years. Means nothing anymore....but Sora knows that it still means a little something....and a lot of pain still. So he is here...keeping me from tears.

I am the luckiest....hands down. My babies remind me of that every day.

I think I will start over....

I think I will start over.
I need to find a new life,
Find a new town....
Leave these pieces behind....
Leave the chapters behind.
Start a new volume,
See what characters
Find themselves in my space.
I need to find myself in a new place.

Leave the heartbreaks behind,
The broken memories too.
Desert the ghosts of yesterday
And find the spirit of today.

I think I will start over,
Rebuild my life
Piece by piece,
Moment by moment,
Mountain by mountain.
Rebuild my self,
Piece by piece,
Moment by moment,
Mile by mile.

Leave the shattered shards behind,
The pieces that I have are enough.
Desert the brokenness of yesterday
And embrace the hope of today.

I think I will start over.

I know I will start over....
I know I have to.

Shattered

Shattered by O.A.R.

In a way need a change
From this burnout scene.
Another time,
Another town,
Another everything.
But it's always back to you.

Stumbled out in the night,
In the pouring rain.
Made the block,
Sat and thought,
There's more I need.
It's always back to you.

But I'm good without you,
Yeah, I'm good without you,
Yeah, yeah, yeah.....

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after.
I always turn the car around.
Give me a break let me make my own pattern.
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered.
I always turn the car around.

Had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long.
Took it out on the street
While the rain still falls.
Push me back to you.

But I'm good without you,
Yeah I'm good without you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah....

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after.
I always turn the car around.
Give me a break let me make my own pattern.
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered.
I always turn the car around.

Oh....
Give it up,
Give it up, baby.
Give it up,
Give it up, now.
Now...

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after,
I always turn the car around.
All that I feel is the realness I'm fakin'.
Taking my time, but it's time that I'm wasting.
Always turn the car around.

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after.
I always turn the car around.

Don't wanna turn that car around.
I gotta turn this thing around.
_________________________________________________________________

I have had this song on repeat for more than two hours now....almost 3 hours. I get into modes where I will feel a song, and won't be able to turn it off for hours and hours. Tonight was a "Shattered" night.

I do need a change from this scene...another time, another town for sure--another everything. I know there is more I need....it took me a long time to realize it, but there is more I need in my life. But my thoughts always drift back....but I am better without...

I do wonder how many times I can break until I am shattered. I can't define what I am after...and I always used to go back to what I knew because it was safe. I just need time to make my own pattern, to discover what I am really after. In time I know there will be more times I feel shattered--it's only a matter of time...

I had no idea that the night would be so long...oh so long. Some days I still feel stuck in the midst of the night...trapped by the darkness instead of being set free by the stars. Other days I remember the open sky....and that it is all mine now.

All I used to feel was that realness I was faking. That facade....the show for all to see, while hidden inside was the dying me. I took me time trying to figure it out...and some of the time was wasted. But at least I finally figured it out...

I have been shattered. I know what that feels like. I know what it's like to keep going back, to keep hoping that something will change....that somehow it will all be ok. And then realize that there is no way. That there has to be a change....another time, another town....another life.

It doesn't always have to go back to you. I didn't turn the car around this time. I am finding my change. I am finding my way through this dark night...and finding plenty of bright days and peaceful nights.

I am finding another me. A much happier, more fulfilled me.

Sea shells by the sea shore...broken and whole...

While in California, I spent a good amount of time on the beach. I simply love the feel of the saltwater air, an incredible mist that settles on the skin...I love the feeling of the sand under my feet and the sound of the roaring waves.

One of my favorite things to do on the beach is to just walk along the water's edge and collect sea shells. I would say as a general rule, if you and I walked together along the beach collecting sea shells, we would probably not pick the same ones to keep.

I prefer the broken sea shells. I am attracted to the shells that have been battered and broken by the sea; those that have been trampled underfoot; the ones that have been tumbled along the ocean floor, only to arrive on the beach perfectly smooth.

I see the broken shells...and I can clearly see their potential. They are so much more easily turned into something more...this one can become a pendant, and these will make great beads. Their sharp edges and irregularities display so much character...how did this shell end up this odd shape? Why is it broken perfectly in half? How did this shell end up with a single perfect hole right in the middle?

Yes, the unbroken shells are beautiful....gorgeous. But the way I see them, they require much more work to become something more. Some need holes drilled into them to string, others are better broken into pieces and tumbled.

The way I see it...I like the broken shells better because I see myself as one of those broken shells. I may be broken in places, but there is a reason for it. And all the pieces reflect my character...each irregularity is another facet of my own self. The sharp edges have been worn down by the constant beating of the waves, until finally I have ended up an entirely different being washed up on the beach. No longer broken, just new pieces of me...

New pieces that are more easily made into something more than I ever thought possible.

Puzzle Pieces and Firsts...

There are days I still wonder how I ended up here, where I am, with the new pieces of my life falling into place. Yesterday was one of those days. Today is one of those days too.

Lately each new day is a day of firsts....yesterday was first interview in the real world....first time in LA...I am so enjoying each new day of firsts. I enjoy not knowing what tomorrow will bring--not even knowing what today will be--is such a thrill!

Yesterday I kept looking back....thinking about where I was 7 months ago....where I was a year ago. This life is so different from the one I had, the one that I knew....

But I have discovered that this is my life. What I have now--what I am discovering is who I am, and who I will be. To have lost so much...and then to find so much more is so encouraging. I know I lost a lot of time, pieces of myself never to be regained but rejuvenated, and people who were very dear to me who will no longer speak to me.

The hardest part is that last part. It is difficult to just have to walk away from those you love and care so deeply for. But it is their choice, and I cannot force my wishes upon them. So instead I will move forward, looking to those who want to share in my joy and my new adventures.

The time, I cannot fret about. It has passed, and there is nothing I can do to rewind. That time was not totally lost...I like to think of it as invested. I got a return on some of my investment, and I am very fortunate in that. But sometimes you lose...and that's okay too.

The pieces of myself...are coming back together. They are not the same, not by any measure.

So each new day of firsts....and each new day with new puzzle pieces...I look forward to it all.

Vindicated

Vindicated, The Dashboard Confessional

Hope, dangles on a string;
Like slow-spinning redemption,
Winding in and winding out,
The shine of it has caught my eye.
And roped me in,
So mesmerizing,
So hypnotizing.
I am captivated.
I am

Vindicated.
I am selfish,
I am wrong,
I am right, I swear I'm right.
Swear I knew it all along.
And I am flawed,
But I am cleaning up so well.
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself.

So clear, like the diamond in your ring.
Cut to mirror your intention,
Over-sized and overwhelmed.
The shine of which has caught my eye.
And rendered me
So isolated,
So motivated.
I am certain now that I am

Vindicated.
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right.
Swear I knew it all along.
And I am flawed,
But I am cleaning up so well.
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself.

So turn,
Up the corners of your lips,
Part them and feel my fingertips
Trace the moment for forever.
Defense is paper thin,
Just one touch,
And I'd be in too deep now
To ever swim against the current.
So let me slip away,
So let me slip away,
So let me slip away,
So let me slip,
Against the current.
So let me slip away,
So let me slip away,
So let me slip away,
So let me slip away....

Vindicated.
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right.
Swear I knew it all along.
And I am flawed,
But I am cleaning up so well.
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself.

Like hope, dangles on a string;
Like slow-spinning redemption.
___________________________________

Each time I walk the beach, this song comes to mind. My first visit out here to California, I had these lyrics running through my mind as I sat alone on the beach at 8AM after my surfing lesson.

This song is very close to my heart, and I only just discovered it at the beginning of the summer. Every time I hear this song on my ipod or computer, I have to repeat it, at least once, to let the lyrics sink in.

Hope...is here. It always has been. At times it may have only been a small spark, but it has always been right here, and it always will be. And I will always look for it and hold it close to my heart.

I am vindicated. And I am selfish, and I might be wrong--but I know I am right. I knew what was right all along. I am FLAWED, but I am cleaning up so well--like a diamond in the rough, long lost. Trampled underfoot, buried and left for lost. I may be isolated, but I am motivated, and I will not be lost again.

My defenses may not be paper thin...not in every respect--but definitely in some ways. But my defenses have dropped so very much, the walls have come down so far....I want to slip away, with the pull of the current. Wherever that takes me, I have hope that it will help me continue to grow...I have hope it will take my flaws and slowly buff them out, like the stones as they meet the shore.

I am seeing those things that some of you have said to me....some of those things that I have never been able to see before. Thank you, for helping me see.

And now hope...dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption. So clear, so present, so a part of my heart and soul.

I am vindicated.

Today of all Days

What can I say about today? What needs to be said, what should be said? What needs to be left unsaid? I am not sure the answer to any of those questions.

For those who don't know, today is my wedding anniversary. 3 years ago. How much can change in such a short amount of time.

I still remember that day....and all the times leading up to that day. But now I also remember all the days since then....and all the days leading to today.

The fact is, I wouldn't change it. I know that the sum of all my yesterdays are what have brought me to today, and right now--I know where I am and where I stand...for the most part. I am learning who I am and what it means to be myself in this world. And I could not be here without all the pieces of my past.

Oftentimes I am very sad for all the hurt and all the pain that has been a part of this process, on all parts. Oftentimes I am overwhelmed by the changes brought about in my life, and the gravity of the situation. but most often I am thankful beyond measure for the immense blessings in my life.

I am blessed with loving friends and a supportive family. Blessed with two "children" who light up my life. Blessed with an extended "family" who has chosen to support me regardless of consequences. I have been watching the pieces of my life fall quietly into place, and the result blows my mind. I look forward to each new day, seeing what is in store and what will be.

And I am blessed with an open, optimistic spirit. Beautiful weather and good music. Sand and sunshine. A brand new day.

The chains holding me down have been broken. It has taken a great deal of time, an immense amount of pain, and all the strength I could muster. But I am no longer bound by hate, depression, doubt and fear. I ride on the wings of hope and love....and I know they will carry me as far as I need to go.

Today, I will be on the beach and in the surf. Feeling the ebb and flow of the ocean, remembering that there is the same ebb and flow of everything in life.

And I will spend the day in smiles and laughter. Today is a celebration....of what was, what is, and what is yet to come.

Moonlit Slumber

I lay here...on the very edge of my bed (and by that I mean the air mattress my bros pulled out for me), next to the sliding glass door.

The door remains always open, so the cool ocean breeze finds its way through the house. The slatted blinds are tilted just so....so that the moonlight is shining down on the edge of my bed. The cool soft glow of the moon takes me back...way back...

To when I used to stay at Grandma and Grandpa's, after they put the new addition onto their house in Payson. I loved that house...and I loved that back room where I always stayed. It had the biggest bed I had ever seen!! I could lay sideways across it and still fit...so that's what I would do. On summer nights, I would leave the window open. Sometime there would be thunderstorms, and I would lay there and watch the lightning storms....

But my favorite nights were the perfectly clear nights, where the moonlight would shine down on me...and I would lay parallel with the window, so I could sleep totally in moonlight. It seemed so magical...so mystical.

Even now, as I lay under the moonlight...is still seems kind of magical. It is calming....soothing.

Someday, my own house will have a window perfectly placed so my bed can be right under it....so the moonlight can shine down on me again....

.....and I can forever enjoy moonlit slumber....