I Left My Heart In...

Tucson...and the Unexpected...

2012-02-09T10:35:00.002-07:00

Ryan and I got to spend a "long weekend" in Tucson last week...and I am already missing the desert warmth!

Ryan surprised me a couple months ago, saying that for my birthday we were going to go visit Grandma for a few days. It was the perfect gift!

As you all know, I love my Grandma very dearly--and I love my Tucson too. It was so much fun to finally get to take Ryan to see it all! We even got to spend Sunday at the Sonora Desert Museum...Ryan enjoyed all the snakes and reptiles--and javelinas too!

Every time I visit Tucson, I wish that I could live there. Honestly, Ryan and I are weighing the pros and cons of several places around the country that we could live. Seattle, Tucson, somewhere else in Colorado...all over the place. We know what we would like to do for work...so now we just have to figure out where we can do what we want to do.

I am always surprised with the curve balls life throws our way...even small unexpected incidents. Like, my biological Mom called me on my birthday. I believe that the last time we spoke was about a year and a half ago. She is doing well, and for that I am very grateful. She is a talker, and talked for about an hour as I did homework. I do think that our relationship is getting better, and she told me that she hopes that our relationship can be even better. I do too.

I am very glad that our biggest sale of the year at TCS is almost over...I am looking forward to having a little more free time to spend on school and projects. One of these days I will finally get the etsy store up and running. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah, I am starting an etsy store--for hats, shirts, corsets...anything and everything I want to make! I have already made several hats, all I have to do is post pictures!

Well, I should get back to homework..or something. I finally finished my tattoos yesterday, and so typing is quite awkward...and I am sure that writing will be awkward too. Worth it, nonetheless.

I hope that life is full of joy and happiness for you! And I hope that the weather is warm (or to your taste!)

Baking, Crafting, Music and the Like...

2012-01-04T11:51:00.025-07:00

Oh holidays...
I can't believe that Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone; and that it is now 2012! Where in the world did all the time go?!?

Lately, as I have been driving around here and there, I have been contemplating time. How it always passes at the same rate. A minute is a minute...a day is always 24 hours...a year is (leap years excluded) always 525,600 minutes.

Yet, it does not always seem that all minutes are created equal...not even all years seems equal. Relativity, I guess.

2011 was a great year. Sure, it has its up and downs...but it sure was good to us. Our year was packed full of adventure...

We moved in together last January (after getting engaged on Christmas 2010)...

I got my nose pierced in April...

We visited Roswell, NM--and various other oddities of NM...

Saw Biffy Clyro live in an awesomely small venue...

Had awesome engagement pictures taken (by Austyn Elizabeth Ford)...

I made my wedding dress in one month...

Had an amazing bridal shower/bachelor party...

GOT MARRIED!!! On my Grandparents' wedding anniversary...

Had a fun time at Boondocks afterward...

Honeymooned in the sand dunes and New Mexico...

Went yurting with the other Borgmanns and the Duncans...

We moved out of our tiny apartment into a lovely townhouse...

Expanded our family with the adoption of Kaylee Serenity...

Went on lovely summer and fall hikes...

Finally got to see Rocktin Grove play...

I discovered my love of baking...

Ryan discovered his love of sharp objects...

Halloween-ed with awesome friends...

We celebrated Ryan's birthday in style...

I began mentoring and volunteering...

Kairi and Sora kept watch over the house...

Kaylee enjoyed her first snow...

Ryan got a new tattoo...

We spent Christmas with our wonderful families...

And we enjoyed every minute of 2011 possible...

So, 2012--here we come. We have big expectations for you. 2011 was pretty epic, so you better not let it show you up.

Thanks friends, for reading! Be on the lookout for more fun stuff from the Borgmanns...because 2012 is the year of the RayBorg...it's a slight adjustment to the Chinese Zodiac calendar. ;-)

Happy New Year to you!!

Oh, Autumn...

2011-11-06T18:39:00.002-07:00

I know it has been awhile. My apologies. Between work, school, raising a puppy and life; I have completely neglected this blog for a while. Can't promise I'll be able to write more just yet--I am only a month away from finals and we're getting into the busy season at work. But hopefully, soon I will find more time. (And when I do, I will let you borrow my time machine.)

It's all been pretty much business as usual. Work, school, feed puppy, feed cats, feed husband, sleep. Repeat. But much more fun and interesting than that sounds. ;-)

Watch this.

Then we'll talk about it.

Ok, watched it? Pretty amazing, right?

We actually watched that at work this morning. It was part of a presentation we watched from the staff meeting our managers went to a few months ago. I can't remember the name of the presenter who incorporated this video into his presentation, but his point really hit home.

He said that one of his friends told him that this is what purpose sounds like, for four reasons:

-You have to know the words.

-You have to step up when it's your turn.

-You have to listen to each other, communicate, and harmonize.

-You have a beautiful song to sing.

I thought that was amazing. It is easy for all of us to get discouraged, to feel lost and distracted.

But we each have a purpose. We have to learn the words. We must be prepared to step up when it's our turn. We must listen to each other. And we have to always remember that we have a beautiful song to sing.

And we are the only one who can sing it.

10 years...

2011-10-01T22:39:00.002-06:00

10 years ago today, my Grandfather passed away.

10 years ago today my Dad, Grandma, aunt, cousin and I watched as he took his last breaths...

How come it still feels like it was last year? Why do I still miss him so? Why do I still forget that he's gone sometimes?

I can never imagine what my Grandmother feels...what she thinks. I called her today--she was paying bills. I know she thinks about it, and sometimes I wish we could talk about it. But I wouldn't know what to say, or what to ask.

Sometimes I dream about having the ability to travel through time...what exactly I would do and who I would want to see. I wish that I could talk to Grandpa, back before the cancer wreaked havoc on his brain...

If I could go back, I would probably visit my Grandparents right after they found out that he had cancer. I would tell Grandpa that he should go fishing, build things--do all the things he loved to do--and to skip the brain surgery. The surgery gave us precious time with him, but I always wish that he would have been able to do the things he loved right up to the end.

If I could go back, I would tell myself to forget about boys in high school and instead focus on family and friends. Then maybe I could have spent more time with my Grandfather when he could speak...

There are so many "if I coulds." I try now to focus on the "I am going to's."

Ponderings...

2011-09-25T22:26:00.002-06:00

September sometimes gets lost for me, especially towards the end...

My Grandfather passed away on October 1, 2001. This year he has been gone for 10 years.

There are so many moments that it still seems unreal that he is gone. There are still moments that I think how nice it will be to see him when I go visit Tucson...

I can't believe that it has been 10 years. I often wonder what my Grandmother thinks and feels...I can't even imagine.

So, I have been lost in those thoughts lately. Other than that, things are clipping right along at the Borgmann household...

We got a new fridge (and by "we," I mean our landlord bought a new one for us and we received a new fridge...), which is awesome since our old fridge was keeping a relatively steady 58 degrees temperature. Not great for keeping pretty much any food safe. Nonetheless, today a new fridge was delivered--and it was too big. Then a few hours later--a newer fridge was delivered! And it fit! So now we are once again able to purchase perishables.

Kaylee is growing like a weed! She has gotten so big! And even though it is 1030PM, she is still running laps around the couch. She has so much energy! She has become fast friends with my brother's cat, Sam. Sam is staying with us until tomorrow evening, and I am sure that both he and Kaylee will be very sad to be separated. (Now it's not just Kaylee making laps--Sam is too.)

Ryan gave me a wonderful surprise today--he took me to get an iphone!! I have wanted an iphone for a very very very long time--a very very very long time!! And so far I am loving it! I am so excited--I can't wait to figure out everything about it!

Well, I have to run for now. But more to follow, I am sure...

Pieces...

2011-09-14T10:42:00.003-06:00

I left a piece

In the tear-soaked clouds

Of yesterday...

In the dreary gray

Of unendingness,

And seeming nothingness.

I left a piece

In the cold darkness

Of my past,

In the empty promises

Of thoughts past.

I left a piece

And felt it was gone.

I found my peace

In the tear soaked clouds

Of today,

Where tears of joy

Filled the silver linings.

I found my peace

When I saw

The unendingness

And seeming nothingness

Was a promise

Filled with hope.

I found my peace,

In every piece.

A Myriad of New Adventures...

2011-09-08T10:27:00.005-06:00

In only a month, so much has changed...

We moved! We were so very fortunate to have found a place that we couldn't normally afford, but we were given a great discount because we know the owner. We basically tripled the amount of space we had in our apartment--and looking at how all of our stuff has filled this new place, I am not sure how we even fit into the old one!

I also started back into school. So far, I am loving my classes! They are basically all parks and recreation courses, but they're not entirely a walk in the pa

rk. (Get it?) Nonetheless, I am thoroughly enjoying the topics and discussions that are a part of my classes. In one class, we spent half a lecture discussing "What is camping?" So far, I am feeling that this is an area of study that I can really apply myself to.

And most exciting of all--we decided to expand our family!! I introduce to you, Kaylee Serenity!

We decided that something really important for our big move was moving into a place that would allow us to have a dog. So as soon as we found our new place, we started the puppy hunt!

We found Kaylee through Petfinder.com. She was listed as a special needs puppy, and we found out that she was born deaf. Both Ryan and I seemed to know that this little girl was destined to be a part of our family--and so the first day she was up for adoption, we went to visit her! We had no idea how it was going to play out, since we weren't moving for another week. Nonetheless, it must have all been planned--because not only did we have to "race against" someone else to adopt Kaylee, but we also were fortunate enough to get to meet her Foster Parents; who lovingly offered to keep her for one more week so we could bring her home once we moved!

Neither Ryan nor I are entirely sure how we are going to train a deaf dog. But we know that we are ready and willing for the challenge. We are so happy to have grown our family--and the cats are too (for the most part...or at least partially.) Kaylee is fitting in beautifully! She is happy, playful, strong, funny and loving. We are very happy to have been so blessed with 3 wonderful children!

Sora and Kairi are really enjoying the new house! Sora loves having lots of space to wander and get lost in, and Kairi seems to really enjoy having a sister! While Kaylee is a little energetic for the other kids right now, I have a feeling that they all will settle in together just fine.

So, from our busy house to yours--Happy Thursday!

The Art of Friendship...

2011-08-05T12:37:00.003-06:00

I know people who have dozens upon dozens of friends, and not just "facebook friends;" but people that they actually talk to and hang out with on a regular basis.

I am not one of those people. I have a small handful of close friends that chat and spend time with. I find it amazing that some people can maintain friendships with so many people...

Two things come to mind when I think about friendship. One: when I started therapy 2 years ago, one of my goals was to have close female friends. I always had an easy time making guy friends, but I really felt like I needed a little more estrogen support. I am so happy to say now that I have several close gal pals! I can't imagine my every day life without their friendship, and I can't describe the difference it has made having my girlfriends in my life. (This is not to say my guy friends aren't awesome. They are. It's just that girls are a different sort of awesomeness that cannot be understood, only experienced.)

Two: friendship should never require promises...I think about friends that I have had in the past who said that they would always be there for me; friends who promised we would "always be friends." Typically, this type of friendship goes one of two ways: 1)life carries you two in separate directions, but you know that if you ever need someone to talk to you can call your old friend even though you haven't talked in eons...or 2) life carries you two in separate directions and the friendship disappears and you become merely acquaintances.

I have both types of friendships in my life. It's amazing to think that I have a friend that I made in kindergarten (was that when we met Stacy??)--and we still keep up with each other's lives. But it is also very sad that I have people that I barely ever hear from that used to be my best friends.

It happens. Life does pull us each in different directions, and that's ok. Sometimes friends are just put into our lives in a particular moment because we need them in that moment--or they have something to teach us that we need from that moment on...

Friendship is an art form. Being able to be a friend and have friends can become such a juggling act.

Fortunately, I married my very bestest friend. So I get to spend most of my time maintaining that friendship--and it's fun! But I still am very thankful for the other friends in my life, whether we chat weekly or yearly--I know each one has a very special contribution to the fullness of my life.

The Sand Dunes...

2011-08-03T11:47:00.002-06:00

Sigh...

There are mornings I really wish that Ryan and I could spend all our time adventuring. Just get away from the everyday mundane and see extraordinary things every day...

But then I remember that there are extraordinary things every day, if we just open our eyes and look for them.

I wake up every morning to my wonderful husband, who kisses me goodbye before he leaves. Already today I have watched my two kids chase each other around, looked over Kairi as she fell asleep in a laundry basket, had a conversation with Sora about the size of our apartment, and seen a million shades of green just outside our windows. Also, our apartment is nearly 100% clean and clutter-free--if that's not extraordinary, then I don't know what is.

Just watching the clouds gather over the mountains, how the grass sways in the breeze, the sun shining down over everything...it's all beautiful and extraordinary.

Someday there will be a time when we get to put all of our energy into wonderful adventures...but until then, I will learn to love the everyday extraordinary.

The Next Adventure...

2011-08-02T08:31:00.002-06:00

We have a very tiny apartment. If you took a postage stamp, folded it into quarters--that's about the size of it. Ok, maybe just into thirds...

When we were hunting for our first apartment together, we began to realize how crazy our daily lives are. I regularly drive to Denver and the DTC for school and work at Flatirons. Ryan drives into Longmont daily for work, and then drives all over Colorado from there. So our hunt for the perfect place had to be a location fairly friendly for all that driving.

Throw into the mix that we have 2 cats. So pet-friendly was a must.

After much searching and much-ado, we found an apartment. It was small in square footage and did not have a washer/dryer in the apartment (like I had really really hoped), but it was in the right location at the right price.

We lucked out in that our apartment was one of the more updated ones in our complex AND it has an amazing view. We overlook a grazing field for horses and prairie dogs as well as a little creek. I look out our windows and see beautiful green everywhere!! It's probably the best apartment view I have ever had. EVER.

We have been fairly happy thus far, loving the seclusion of our little apartment. But for the past month or so--things have not felt so secluded or happy...

We got several new neighbors...and unfortunately, at least one of them smokes--in their bathroom. And since the vents between the bathrooms are actually connected, that means that our apartment slowly fills up with smoke...which is disgusting, and for Ryan and I--dangerous. We are both asthmatics, and neither of us do well in smoke.

After several emails/phone calls/notes, we have had no resolution to the smoking problem. Our bathroom smells strongly of smoke all day long, and if I don't keep the door closed, it starts to leak out into our entire apartment.

I have talked to some of our other neighbors, and they have complained about the smoke as well. The only thing that was done about the smoke was management posted a note on all of our doors reminding us that smoking was not permitted in the building or within 20 feet of the entrances. The little reminder did not remedy the situation.

So, after much conversation...Ryan and I have decided that if possible, we are going to move our of our apartment before our lease is up. We are hoping that Colorado's Clean Indoor Air Act will provide us the opportunity to leave without penalty.

Our next adventure is on the horizon! I guess we will see where we end up...

Direction...

2011-07-21T16:47:00.004-06:00

Once again, I find myself searching for direction in my writing/blogging. This little blog started to grow out of the pain of divorce, and continued to grow throughout my search for myself--and new love.

I spent so many hours writing about pain, loneliness, emptiness, brokenness, confusion and loss...and even hope. I used to write so easily when I was hurting, even when I was growing up. When I felt alone or misunderstood, I could write all my feelings out better than I could speak them.

So now that I have a whole new life--filled with joy and love--what do I write about? I am not as poetic when it comes to love and such mushy things...although I wrote several versions of my vows to Ryan, only one I deemed "good enough" to actually read in front of everyone. I find that most often my happy-lovey-dovey feelings feel most accurately expressed in song...not ones that I write, of course. But those which I have heard so many times that every note is burned into my brain, and if I knew how to play each instrument--I could be a one-women band. The songs that play over and over in my head...where I can hear each strum of the guitar, beat of the drum and hum of each word...

I also find that Ryan and I have so many adventures together...already! Sometimes even just a trip to the store turns out to be an adventure! And sometimes, our planned-to-be-peaceful-Sunday-morning-hike turns into a somewhat life-threatening adventure too. (That story, coming soon!)

So...as I look forward to what I want to write about, I feel most inspired by music and adventure...and a touch of our past. I would love to regale you all with stories from my parents and grandparents--which I may very well do sometimes.

I feel that once again, a name change is in order for my blog. I love that I can change it up whenever I want. So far, it has only had two different names:

Who am I, Who will I be?

Of Life and Love...

And now I think it shall be called...

I Left My Heart In...

Circle of LIfe...

2011-07-19T13:46:00.002-06:00

It's funny how one moment I was running around like crazy planning a wedding, and all of a sudden I'm running around in the "back to normal life" mode. It seems like only yesterday I was starting on my dress...

As much fun as it was, I am really glad to be back to a normal life. Not having a wedding to plan opens up so much free time! It's nice to crochet, hike, blog, cook dinner, do laundry...and even clean!!

I love being married to Ryan. I love the relationship we have...it's truly amazing! We think alike in all the right ways, and have completely different brains in all the right ways. It is amazing to wake up every day knowing that someone has my back all the way, and that someone loves life just as much as I do.

So, being married is awesome. I think Ryan likes it too. ;-)

Now, if we could just keep our non-air conditioned apartment under 80 degrees, that would be amazing.

Unexpected...

2011-07-15T16:08:00.003-06:00

I was at work the other day, ringing up a customer's transaction when I looked up to see something that I had hoped to never see again...my ex's parents.

I couldn't believe the instantaneous reaction I felt...my throat tightened, I felt light-headed, I started to shake...it was unbelievable.

I immediately took my leave from the area, fortunate to not have been seen by the unexpected visitors. Fortunately my manager allowed me to retreat to the break room for a bit...which was definitely needed since I didn't stop shaking for a good 20 minutes.

I had not seen them at all since the divorce. It was such a shock to see them at all let alone in my own little world of TCS...

The more I think about it, the more I wish that I would not have reacted that way...I mean, the shaking couldn't be helped--it's just what my body was going to do. But I can't run from them forever...and I won't. Next time, I will be more prepared, and more ready to do what needs to be done. I may not walk over to help them find what they are looking for, but I will not run. It's my turf and it's filled with my peeps. If anything were to go wrong, I would be surrounded by friends to back me up.

So, life goes on. It always will. And somewhere, they will be there...because life goes on for them too.

Life's Stories...

2011-07-14T21:08:00.008-06:00

It's amazing to me how fast everything changes...how much our lives change in moments...

I can't believe that it's already July...almost halfway through July in fact!! I have registered for classes already, and I can't believe that in just over a month it will be back to school time...

So much has changed, yet so little. Married life is wonderful--on so many levels. It is great to introduce Ryan as my husband, it is wonderful to know that we share an unbreakable bond and commitment...but most of all--it is refreshing to have lots more free time since we are no longer planning a wedding!!

Our wedding was wonderful...everything was beautiful and thoughtful...it was the best day so far!

Now, don't take that to mean that everything went perfectly as planned...I did get my veil stuck in a tree just as my Dad and I started walking down the aisle...and of course we had other goof-ups--and by "we," I mean me of course.

But it was meaningful and joyful--full of our families and friends (and joy felt from afar for those who could not join us).

It was full of personal touches...littles things that made us smile. It was a beautiful piece to our story. But not the best day of ours lives ever--that I am sure is yet to come!!

It was a day we will never forget!! And I wouldn't change one moment of it.

You can view all our wedding photos on Austyn's Website (she is the amazing photographer we can thank for all our photos!!)

So, on June 28th, 2011--Ryan and I started a new chapter in our lives' stories. And now our stories become one--a story with many facets and points of view, but one shared between two people who love each other more than anything in the world.

We're Married!!

2011-07-06T23:00:00.001-06:00

Yay!!! It's true!! We are finally married. :-) And very happy indeed.

So, I apologize for the very large gap of time where I did not blog...but now I have no wedding planning to do, so I am hoping that I can back into a blogging rhythm.

I will tell all when I don't have to go to sleep...but it was wonderful and perfect. :-)

Happy Wednesday!!

Utah...New Mexico...Roswell...

2011-05-23T16:39:00.003-06:00

Well, we were supposed to go to Utah for our vacation...but due to rain and chance of flash floods we ended up in New Mexico!

I will share more of our adventure soon I hope!!

I Don't Have a Future Figured Out Yet...

2011-05-15T01:01:00.001-06:00

Taking Chances
by Celine Dion

Don't know much about your life,
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast,
And maybe it's not meant to last.

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're lying on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do.
Like lovers do.

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life,
And I don't know much about your world.

__________________________________________

One year ago, I posted this same song. I had just gone on a lovely date with a charming fellow, and was completely surprised with how well it all had gone. Except for the moment when I pushed open a door too hard only to find it was locked closed, thereby injuring my wrist. (Remember, that's one of the awkward reasons I gave up dating...)

But he was pure gentleman. He was sweet and caring, strong and defiant...and wouldn't just let me win every game of air hockey. I don't know exactly how he felt when he went home, but he had definitely burned himself into my brain. I spent the night with the song above running through my head...wanting desperately to be able to jump off the edge, but still wishing I could be wearing a parachute....

I can't describe to you all the ways that this charming fellow blew me away. I think that the best example lies in the fact that when we started dating, I told him I could not be in a single committed relationship at the time. I told him I would break his heart (yes, I literally told him I would break his heart...and he laughed!), and that I was dating someone else at the same time.

A reasonable man would have gone running, right? Well, I am glad he has not a single reasonable bone in his body. ;-)

Instead he decided to prove that he was the one for me, despite the fact that I had already made plans to move halfway across the country to be with someone else that I had been dating. But when that someone else moved before me and seemingly forgot me, my charming fellow stepped it up.

He asked if he could come visit me once I moved. He spent every waking moment reminding me that he was around, and that he was ready to do whatever it took to increase my happiness. Day after day, he would spend his time with me. When I had to work every Saturday over the summer, he would come meet me for lunch, and tolerate me as I tried to shove grass clippings down his shirt and/or pants.

We would spend hours talking about our past--what we shared and what we had missed out on each other's lives. We would drive, hike, climb...dream and adventure, all to our own tune. Finally, I realized that I couldn't move to be with someone else...because I had fallen in love with the charming fellow in front of me.

And although he may have fallen asleep the first time I tried to tell him that I loved him, he still stole my heart. It didn't take long before I realized that my life would not be complete without spending every day with this man...that my life would be boring without him...that my heart would never have more love in it than when I was with him.

So, what do I say to taking chances? I say, hell yes. Hearts break, and hearts mend. Higher risk means higher return (I learned that in accounting).

I felt like I was taking a big chance going out on a date with this charming fellow...because I didn't feel like I was ready. But I followed my heart, because for months it had been screaming "GO OUT WITH HIM!!!" (True story.)

So, one year after our first date, and 44 days to our wedding day...I am so happy to spend each and every moment with my wonderful Ryan.

If I ever wonder about the miracle of life, or how much God loves me...all I have to do is wrap my arms around my Ryan and realize that if God made Ryan, then I know He loves me.

Excitement...

2011-05-07T14:54:00.002-06:00

I like excitement. I am even a pretty excitable person...I like feeling and sharing it with others. I even got the "Air of Excitement" award at TCS...

So why do I so often get so surrounded by lack of excitement?

This stems from my family's complete and utter lack of excitement about anything concerning the wedding/marriage. The only exception to this rule (at this point in time) are my oldest brother and his wife. Thank God for them.

For a while, my Grandmother seemed excited. When I visited her, we talked and shopped, watched "Up" while I told her how Ryan proposed...and we even talked a little more about the wedding since I came back. I thought she was really excited...until we talked a couple nights ago.

She hasn't bought a plane ticket. I have reminded her several times to do it before the prices go up, but she still hasn't done so.

She told me that she "heard" that the wedding was being postponed a year...so I asked her where she heard that. Then she just said that she was just hoping that I would "come to my senses" and wait another year so I could be "done with school," etc. She was not all that happy when I told her that the wedding was still on for this summer, and she should get her ticket.

If we time travel back to 5 years ago when I was planning my first wedding, her attitude was much the same. When she was helping me shop for a dress for the rehearsal dinner, she told me, "Once you wear white, it's all downhill."

Yup. My Grandmother said that to me, about a month before my first wedding. While she never seemed excited about the first one, she talks about it like others talk about the recent royal wedding--she says it was such a beautiful wedding. Every time she goes to a wedding, she tells me how mine was more lovely.

My brothers--hell, they're guys. I honestly don't expect for them to care much about the wedding--except for where the booze is. And that is fine...I know they care, they're just guys. All of them do actually ask me how planning is going from time to time...much more often than my parents do.

When my older brother's wedding was approaching, there was much "to do" from my parents. They were seemingly constantly chatting with my brother and his (now) wife, they were discussing travel plans, wedding vows...there was much excitement surrounding it all.

In 52 days, Ryan and I will get married.

I have not had my parents ask about the wedding in at least the last month.

It saddens me so that my family seems so disinterested in the wedding. At least once a day I consider the possibility of eloping...but I know I want to share that day with my friends...and my family (whether they want to or not).

My parents and Grandmother got really excited when I decided to go into Accounting. I don't think they have ever expressed such excitement--except for maybe when I told them that Ted wanted to make my job permanent at CU. Maybe. But they have never expressed such excitement for something that was so personal to me...a relationship, an adventure, an idea...

I am starting to feel like my family does not even know me. Or that maybe they just don't care that much about my personal happiness. It is exciting to them when the possibility of me having a great career comes forward, but when a man steps up and loves me more than I ever could have imagined...meh. The History Channel at 2:34AM has more excitement.

So, I am trying to overcome this lack of excitement by trying to create even more of my own, which is difficult. I am so tired of trying to manufacture for them what is not...and may never be there.

Life is great. The trees are turning green, it's warm outside...the sky is bright blue with white puffy clouds, and there is a whole world to explore. I find it hard to contain my excitement about life when I think about all that there is to do in the world--all that already exists! Bugs, birds, prairie dogs, cows, asphalt, combustion engines, drainage ditches, lakes, hay, sunshine...it is all so magical--I don't know how everyone can't be bursting with excitement all the time!

And I will marry the man I love in this gorgeous world. We will live our wonderful little life together in the miracle of what is. We will cultivate a most amazing love...one that will bring tears to people's eyes once we both have died.

And I am excited for that day. I go forth in complete love and trust, knowing that we are supposed to be together forever. Whether anyone else is excited about it or not...whether my family gives two twigs about it...I just want to take my chance to live through a miracle--and that miracle will be the love that Ryan and I share.

The birds will sing to us, the bugs will hum for us, frogs will provide some bass, and the earth will provide a beautiful backdrop. The sky will open wide for us, reminding us we have the whole world, and our whole lives, ahead of us.

Even if no one else shows up, Ryan and I will have the best wedding ever.

500...

2011-05-02T13:29:00.001-06:00

This is my 500th post on my blog! Wow...seems like only yesterday I started it...

A lot has happened in 500 posts...and I am sure a lot more will happen in the next 500.

So, thank you all for reading!! I hope you keep coming back for more!

Happy Monday!

Another Day in History...

2011-05-01T22:26:00.002-06:00

Years from now, young ones (not mine, someone elses') will ask me where I was when I heard the news that Osama was dead.

I was lounging on the couch with my fiance writing a final paper for school. And by "writing a paper," I mean procrastinating on facebook. Someone's status update alerts me to the news, so I tune in to hear what was going on.

Just before 10PM, President Obama went live.

Ryan and I lounged together and listened, holding hands as we witnessed history.

Neither of us can believe it has been 10 years.

It seems crazy, all that has happened in the last 10 years...

We both recalled where we were on September 11, 2001.

And how erie it was when there were no planes in the skies for days...

Perhaps, this is the start of a whole new era. I told Ryan it all depends on if they cut off the head of the snake, or a head of the hydra.

Time will tell.

For today, good night and God bless.

We are one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Let us stay that way.

Awake My Soul...

2011-05-01T00:11:00.006-06:00

by Mumford and Sons

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes.
I struggle to find any truth in your lies.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know.
My weakness I feel I must finally show.

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all.
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall.
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see.
But your soul you must keep, totally free.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Awake my soul.

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes.
I struggle to find any truth in your lies.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know.
My weakness I feel I must finally show.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, Ah, ah, ah, ah.

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love, you invest your life.
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love, you invest your life.

Awake my soul.

Awake my soul.
Awake my soul.
For you were made to meet your maker.
Awake my soul.

Awake my soul.
Awake my soul.
For you were made to meet your maker,
You were made to meet your maker.

________________________________________

If you have this album, then you know the feeling of this song. It's epic and beautiful...wonderful and touching.

I don't experience God the same way you do....I can pretty much guarantee it. That's part of the beauty of a relationship--it is different for every single person, because every single person is different.

I dont' find God in a church. He doesn't reach me there...He hasn't in a very long time.

But lend me your eyes, and I'll change what you see.

In the brightness of day, I turn my face skyward...and the warm rays soak my skin...I get goosebumps. I feel God wrapping his arms around me, saying "I am right here. I always have been, and I always will be."

As the sun sets, I am mesmerized by the brilliant colors...as my eyes dance across the horizon, I see God smiling at me, saying "I am right here. I always have been, and I always will be."

As my hands brush wheat and grass, the rough and the smooth awakening my fingertips...I feel God's touch. He holds His fingertips out, saying "I am right here. I always have been, and I always will be."

As I climb up a large rock, its surface warmed by the sun; when my hands find the perfect hold...I feel God's hand holding mine as He says, "I am right here. I always have been, and I always will be."

In the dark quiet of the night, the cool breeze blows past...rustling the leaves on the trees. I hear God's whisper saying "I am right here. I always have been, and I always will be."

God awakens my soul, not in a church...but in His home where He meets me.

He made me the way I am, and so He meets me where He knows He can reach me best.

Where I see God in the green grass, the tiniest calf in the field, the blue of the sky and the surreal clouds; others may see Him at the pulpit at a church, in the words of a hymnal or sermon, or even in the fellowship of others.

How can I deny how I have been made? I can't. There is a reason for the way I am, and someday I will know that reason.

For now, I will embrace it.

And I will continue to build my relationship the only way I know how.

Lend me your eyes, I can change what you see...but your soul you must keep totally free.

Awake my soul.

For I was made to meet my Maker.

Senioritis...

2011-04-29T12:14:00.001-06:00

Only one semester back in school, and I already have senioritis. Maybe it's because it's springtime...maybe it's because I am so tired of being in school. Who knows.

I am loving the spring right now...oh how I have missed it! The trees and bushes behind our house have started to grow little buds, one tree is already decked-out in tiny perfectly green leaves....it is so beautiful! The grass has even started turning green! I am so excited for summer!!

Only a couple more weeks, and I will be done with school...until the fall. But the break will be nice.

Especially since I still need to make my wedding dress. I have plenty of time....right??

2 Months and Counting...

2011-04-28T13:53:00.002-06:00

Two months from now, Ryan and I will be celebrating our wedding day.

I can't believe it's so close!! We have so much to do...I have so much to do...

In a way, I am really happy that the wedding plans are so haphazard and vague. Ryan and I have spent much more time concerning ourselves with our marriage than with our wedding...and I am very thankful for that.

So, we might not have the right chairs, we may run out of cupcakes, the balloons might now be the exact right colors...but we will still get married. And I am certain that I have the right person to share my vows with....regardless of whether his tie matches his shirt.

Heathen...

2011-04-24T20:17:00.007-06:00

-Noun

1. An unconverted individual of a people that do no acknowledge the God of the Bible, a person who is neither a Jew, Christian, nor Muslim; pagan.

2. An irreligious, uncultured or uncivilized person.

Pagan

-Noun

1. One of a people or community observing a polytheistic religion, as the ancient Romans and Greeks.

2. A person who is not a Christian, Jew, or Muslim.

3. An irreligious or hedonistic person.

Hedonist

-Noun

1. A person whose life is devoted to the pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification.

(All definitions taken from dictionary.com)

Happy Easter.

I am not a huge fan of being called a heathen on Easter.

No, I did not go to a church service. But I don't attend church anyway.

Does that make me a heathen? According to Webster, no.

I do recognize and accept the God of the Bible, thereby falling into the classification of "Christian."

So, am I uncivilized, uncultured, and irreligious?

Uncivilized...at times. But not really in public arenas. I chew with my mouth closed at dinner.

Uncultured...hardly. I have been fortunate enough to have been educated about other cultures, as well as my own.

So, I guess I am irreligious.

And I am fine with that. I don't particularly enjoy, support, or believe that religions get us to "heaven." There's a relationship for that.

I don't believe it's the rules, the fellowship, the buildings, the memorized prayers that get people into their heaven or "everlasting life." I believe that it is a relationship with God and Christ.

Now, I don't talk about religion a lot...or really at all, especially on this blog. That is because I believe that each person has freedom--a freedom to decide what to believe, how to believe, who to believe. Everyone also has a freedom to not have religion stuffed into their face and down their throats all the time.

I believe that we have free will--free minds to think for ourselves. We are given guidelines for how to live and what to believe. Those guidelines are in place to help us live richer (not $ rich, but experience rich), fuller, more satisfying lives.

Remember that time Jesus yelled at all the men in the temple? Remember how angry he got? Remember how Jesus stayed away from all the "religion" and "religious people?" Yeah, that's all true. He got mad at the men in the temple because they had turned it into a house of moneychangers--i.e., a place not dedicated to worship, etc. He did not hang out with the religious people because they were so unforgiving and stuck on religion.

I used to go to church...a lot. I mean, probably 4 or 5 days a week. Have you seen "Saved?" Way back in the day...I was trying my best to be Hilary Faye...saving souls, being as perfect as can be, hating everyone who was not a "Christian," and judging everyone else's actions. There was never a "good enough," and a distinct lack of forgiveness.

I decidedly left the church because there was a distinct lack of forgiveness for me. My peers judged me for breaking up with the boy I was dating. My friends either turned against me, or ignored me...leaving me alone. My Grandfather died less than a month after I "lost" all of my friends, so I had no one to turn to. Since then, I have only ever attended church with my Grandmother or with my parents on holidays. I decided that I didn't need the church to feel like a lonely sinner.

I would also like to take this moment to articulate my support for the GLBTQ community. So often, Christians are put into an anti-gay category...and honestly, of course they have kind of earned their place there. It is not like the Christian community has been known for its extreme openness to homosexuality.

I don't believe that there is a choice involved in sexuality. I believe that you are born the way you are born, and that is the way God intended you to be. Gay, straight, bisexual, transgender...all of the above are still children of God--and that means that you are still loved by him as you are, where you are.

I don't believe that even if, by some chance, homosexuality is a sin, that it is my place to judge. I just want to be clear--I do not see homosexuality as a sin, sickness or choice. But IF it were, it is not my place to judge...because I am a sinner too--there's NO WAY you'll catch me throwing stones. We can take all our stones together and build a beautiful palace...where we can eat, drink, live, love, and thank God for making us exactly who we are.

So, please do not call me a heathen. I am not so. And please don't shy away from me because I am now clearly labeled "Christian." (Well, some Christians may disagree...so I guess that there is no label fit for me. ;-) I am ok with that.) I welcome everyone--whatever beliefs and whatever paths.

Because you know what? That's what Jesus did. And I am not a lot like Jesus...but I do my best to be what I believe he wants me to be. And I believe that is caring, accepting, loving, thoughtful and helpful.

And if you have questions about my beliefs--feel free to ask. I can't promise that I will always know the answer, but I always appreciate it when people make me think. ;-)

So...Happy Easter, Blessed Passover, Merry Sunday, Happy Day-of-the-week-that-means-no-work-for-some.

Whatever floats your boat, I hope you had a pleasant day. :-)

I Will Roar...

2011-04-23T22:37:00.004-06:00

How do you lighten a heavy heart? Especially when that heart is heavy because it wants to help, but doesn't know how, or doesn't think that help will be accepted?

When you get hurt...really hurt, life gets more real. When bad things happen to good people, life gets more real. When you realize that the whole world is not sunshine and ponies, and that people you love will hurt you more than you could ever imagine; life gets more real.

I can't deny my heart, and I can't deny how I feel.

Ever since my divorce, I have wanted to help other women who are or have been in my situation...even those who aren't aware of how bad things have gotten.

If I had paid attention...if someone close to me had gotten through to me...I could have avoided so much pain.

The pain that I went through...still haunts me sometimes. I can still feel it, locked beneath my bones....cracking them at times....taunting my mind with moments I when could have spared myself...it's a black hole, a tar pit that I fear will never leave my soul...

I don't want anyone to go through what I went through. It is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. So if I think that I could help someone avoid the tar pit, I will. Trying not to would be like not slamming on the brakes if I saw a dog crossing the road in front of me...

I have a voice.

It will not be silenced.

Not by hatred.

Not by indifference.

Not by fear.

Not by love.

Not by regret.

Not by anyone.

I HAVE A VOICE.

IT WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

NOT BY HATRED.

NOT BY INDIFFERENCE.

NOT BY FEAR.

NOT BY LOVE.

NOT BY REGRET.

NOT BY ANYONE.

I am Lisa. Hear me roar.

I AM LISA...AND I WILL ROAR.

I will not stand idly by.

I WILL NOT STAND IDLY BY.

I have a voice. I did not choose to have these bad things happen to me...and I should have paid attention to the warning signs. Nonetheless, it is not my fault that someone I loved choose to hurt me...

But it still shades everything I see.

It still is a black hole tar pit in my soul...

It still rips apart my heart.

And I will be damned if I let anyone I love go through it without a fight.

Another Day, Another Idea...

2011-04-21T11:26:00.003-06:00

Another day, and another new set of ideas for my life.

Daydreaming about where we will live someday...

Maybe, a lovely lake house...

A small mountain home in a town called Strawberry...

An epic desert oasis...

Being alone in the desert...

A bright log cabin...

Or a little pueblo...

Even an older house with land...

Daydream away...

Do What You Love....

2011-04-18T13:58:00.005-06:00

We're supposed to change our minds a thousand times, right?

Well, that's the option I am going to go with for now.

So, I am wondering....what the hell was I thinking?

For those of you who have known me for longer than a nanosecond know that I am a "free spirit," one who cannot thrive inside the box...someone who has trouble with rules...

So, why did I think that I could pull off the whole accounting thing? Now, school is going well--I have straight A's as of now. I officially got an 'A' in accounting 1. So it's not that I don't get accounting....I get it. I just don't think that accounting will get me.

Why did I wander so far from what I love? All my life I have been told, "Do what you love, and the rest will follow." So why have I turned my back on everything that I love?

Easy...expectations.

For those of you who carry the burdens of the expectations of your loved ones, you know how I feel. Sometimes the burden is light, other times it becomes unbearable. Sometimes the expectations fit who you are, other times they crush you out of the skin that you know you belong in.

Expectations.

EXPECTations.

EXPECTATIONS.

EXPECTATIONS.

I never got it right,

That's how this breaks down.

I never see things through,

I always carry the weight for you,

For you...

And now I hesitate,

WIth every step I take.

I fear my back might break

If I don't leave today.

Always trying to please everyone

That I met and I ended up losing it all.

But all that sh*t is gone,

All that sh*t is gone.

I guess I felt abused,

If that something you choose?

In a cheap disguise,

I did everything for you.

Always trying to please everyone

That I met and I ended up losing it all.

But all that sh*t is gone,

All that sh*t is gone.

I never got it right,

I always carry the weight for you...

(All That Sh*t is Gone, by Carolina Liar)

Throughout my life, I have felt like I have lived it trying to please everyone else. I had gotten away from that, and then I walked right back into it.

So, now I find myself pulling back away.

What do I want?

I want a simple life...where I have dinner every night with my soon-to-be husband. Where I can make arts and crafts everyday and work stays at work. Where I have time for my friends and my 4-legged children. I want a life full of fresh air and adventure...

I don't need another college degree or a high-paying job for any of that.

So, here I am again...trying to decide what to do with my life. Apparently, I am just a seeker. A perpetual student and a seeker.

And that's ok.

There are plenty of things to discover and learn in this world...so I shouldn't ever be bored. ;-)

I Shed This Skin...

2011-04-17T20:26:00.002-06:00

I shed this skin,

The one you put me in.

I shed this skin,

The one I don't fit in.

I have lived a life,

One I don't know...

A life I lost,

A life I once wanted.

I have lived a life,

For everyone else...

It's time it is my own.

I shed this skin,

To gain some light,

To feel some truth.

I shed this skin,

To feel the breeze,

To know the earth,

To touch the world.

I shed this skin,

Because I have outgrown it.

Who I was,

And who I am,

Are not the same.

I shed this skin,

Because who I will be

Is bigger than who I was.

I have shed this skin.

Reality...

2011-04-16T22:31:00.002-06:00

Today was not a good day.

You ever have those days...the ones that make you feel like you are just going to break...just shatter?

Yeah...today.

One of those days, where so many thoughts were running through my head...

...realizing a world created and the real world are not the same...

...the ideal world in your head is not the same as the one you live in...

...the people you think you know, you don't know at all...

...that all the bad things they say about life are actually true.

We are alone.

We end up alone.

Is it really better to love and lose, than never love at all?

That still...the only person you can rely on is yourself.

I can't rely on the people I thought I could...I only know I can rely on myself.

(Sidenote: don't freak out. This blog isn't about Ryan and I. We're good. We're actually pretting freakin' awesome. This is about another set of relationships in my life.)

Tying your self-worth, self-esteem...to the expectations of another only ever ends in pain. I can never live up to the expectations. I don't even want to anymore. I would rather disappear into the wilderness forever.

I am still so tired...tired of being let down by those I think are supposed to love me most. Actions speak louder than words...it's more than just a saying...because we all know it's true.

I grew up alone.

Aloneness is what I know best.

Why have I pretended anything otherwise?

Why have I spent so long deluding myself?

Have I learned anything?

Only not to never trust, and love with a guarded heart.

And that reality really bites.

Wednesday

2011-04-13T21:12:00.002-06:00

It is just a pretty typical Wednesday. I went to work, came home, did some homework, and am now waiting for Ryan to come home...

I think about this blog quite often...and I wonder what I should write....I wonder what this should be.

Maybe I should stop wondering what it should be, and just let it be.

But what is it?

A daily memoir?

An online diary?

My attempts at comedy?

My attempts to relate to other people?

My attempts to share my life with others?

Nothing very interesting?

I am not sure.

So, please bear with me as I figure out what my writing is becoming. It turns out, the less pain I feel...the less interesting my writing is. At least that's my opinion...

Quiet Moments...

2011-04-07T11:05:00.003-06:00

It is a quiet moment for me....ahhhhhh.....

I worked this morning, and am now just pausing before heading out to get a haircut and send out invites.

I finally have my new computer! It is wonderful..so beyond wonderful. I *adore* it. Everything is so easy, so accessible, so awesome!! I am loving it!!

Life...has been crazy busy as usual. Wedding planning, work, school, everything just takes up so much time--it's so easy to get exhausted....

...but quiet moments are so welcome...

In 5 minutes or Less...

2011-03-28T22:26:00.002-06:00

Because apparently, 5 minutes is all I can spare to blog right now...

I know it has been a while--and a LOT has gone on...but that's why I don't have time to blog. School takes a lot of time, wedding planning takes time, work takes time, and just living takes time!!

So, I am still being cool in school and doing OK. So far, all As--so no new complaints. I am suffering from classic crazy classmate syndrome, but I am dealing just fine--so don't worry. The semester is half over anyway. ;-)

Wedding plans are ticking along--slowly but surely. We have our wedding bands--and they are awesome!! I also have dress fabrics, shoes for me (ordered shoes for Ryan), and am getting ready to make the invitations. Yes, I am a masochist.

Well, I would write more--but I am exhausted. And I have to be at work at 6am. Oh--Ryan got hired at TCS too. We're one big happy TCS family now. ;-)

Anywho--I hope you all are doing well! I am still trying to figure out what direction this blog is heading in...I'll keep you all posted.

Toodles!

Drawing a Blank...

2011-03-17T21:39:00.003-06:00

I don't know what to write about lately.

It's not like life's crazy exciting for me...just incredibly busy. But who really wants to sit and read about someone else taking midterms and doing homework. Ewwww. That's my thought on the subject.

So I'll be back when I have something better to write about...

Curve Balls...

2011-03-16T21:44:00.002-06:00

Is it just me, or is life full of curve balls?

I mean, it seems like one second everything is just perfect...and then the next, not quite so. Not that life is all miserable or terrible...just some things aren't going so well.

Do you swing at the curve balls? Wait to take your base? Hope to get a pitch worth swinging at?

Hopefully it's not exactly like softball...because if that's the case--I will be a high-ball sucker, and I'll keep swinging at all the pitches that nearly graze my forehead.

I guess we will see. Eventually I got to be a great hitter in softball. I learned (after much ado) what the high-balls were...so hopefully the same will be true here.

Happy early St. Patrick's Day!! Don't forget to wear green tomorrow!!

Around the corner...

2011-03-09T10:53:00.002-07:00

Ahhh.....

I love this time of year....spring is on our heels, which means summer is just around the corner. Warmer weather, more sunshine (or at least it feels like there's more sunshine), and less snow!! All reasons to love this time of year.

This seemed like a very gentle winter--in many ways. We did not get a lot of snow down here, the mountains got a lot of snow apparently--which is good because I don't want us to have another drought season like we did several years ago. I also feel like it wasn't quite as cold as other years...we only had a few days of near and sub-zero temps. And the sun has already started climbing high in the sky...it started staying out late earlier this year it seems, even though Ryan assures me it's right on schedule. Nonetheless, I feel like the sun is already high in the sky--and we still have a few months for it to climb higher!!

Depression didn't hit me as hard this year as it has in past years. Sure, there were still bad days and bad weeks, but I didn't feel like there were months that I was missing. A very gentle winter, that I am very thankful for.

School is going well--it's school. As always it's a lot of work, dealing with crazy professors and wacky students, a balancing act and like trying to keep a cupboard full of dishes spinning on sticks. But it's good, I am enjoying it--for the most part. The crazy professors always get to me--they just make me wonder how in the world they got hired to teach people.

In other news, Ryan and I have ordered and received our wedding bands. While we may have to exchange the sizes (it seems they are both about a half size too small), it is nice to have them. With all that is going on, there has not been much wedding planning going on. After realizing we are counting down to 3 months away, I decided we needed to get going on stuff! So slowly but surely, we are planning some sort of shindig where we'll end up married at the end. ;-) The way I see it, we've been spending much more time planning our marriage, and I am ok with that. If everything doesn't go super smoothly on the wedding day, meh--I won't be in any sort of panic. It is just one day after all.

In less than two weeks, I will be back in Tucson for a visit! A week from this Saturday I leave to spend a week with my Grandmother. I am excited not only for the warm weather, but also to get to spend quality time with my Grandmother...it has been far too long since I have gotten down to Tucson to see her. I think it has been more than a year...since leaving CU I haven't been able to take off enough time for a decent visit. Fortunately she has come out here for a few visits in the past year. Nonetheless, I am so looking forward to my visit!

Well, it's time to get back to school work. I am the Queen of Procrastination when it comes to homework, but at some point even I have to get started.

I hope all is well for all of you! Enjoy the springtime as it creeps its way towards us!!

What if?

2011-03-06T22:09:00.002-07:00

What if life wasn't treated like a rat race?

What if everyone loved their jobs, got to spend plenty of time with their family, and had time to play?

What if we all tried to make life easier for everyone else?

What if we each tried to increase the happiness of others?

I was thinking about some of this today as we walked around the mall. I was struck by all of the people walking around the food court...a mass of humanity...and I didn't see very many smiles or happy faces.

And I thought...what if each one of these people helped someone they didn't know? What if each one of these people did one small thing to make someone else's life just a little easier?

How would the world change if we all did the small things? If we stepped out of someone's way, picked up a piece of trash, or even just smiled at someone?

Would it make a difference? Would the world be radically different?

I guess the bigger questions is, would we all be able to do it...even just one day at a time?

Things I Don't Miss...

2011-03-04T23:58:00.002-07:00

I got to spend some time up at CU today. I have decided I am going to make my wedding dress, so I was up there to drape it.

It was nice to get to visit everyone...I have missed everyone so! I do miss getting to see them all every day...

But there were so many things I did not miss...

...walking a mile or more carrying pounds and pounds of junk.

...supervising of a bunch of students whilst trying to finish my own work.

...the 1PM rush...I didn't even have to deal with anyone today, but I still made sure I wasn't in the room at 1.

...having to make a million decisions in just one day.

...talking incessantly.

...the stress of my old job.

Overall, I really enjoyed getting to visit, but I still see that I definitely made the right decision in leaving. I didn't realize how stressed out I was constantly in my old job. I love what I did, I still love draping, stitching, teaching, sketching, and most everything else. But I enjoy it all much more on my terms. I enjoy not having to supervise others doing it all too. I think that was probably my biggest stress.

So, I will continue to visit as long as those I miss are still there. But, I will not for one second regret leaving my old job.

I look forward to what is to come...all the chaos and uncertainty too.

The dreams I seek are straight ahead in every direction...

The Theatre...

2011-03-01T14:18:00.002-07:00

...the theatre. What ever happened to the theatre?

The last time I really worked in theatre was back in July. My contract with CSF ended around the middle of July, and other than dressing for the opera--I have stayed away.

As I was browsing through former students' photos of current productions, I realized that I don't really miss it. I miss some of it, of course...but not enough to go back. I enjoy making things for myself and others in my life...I enjoy not having deadlines for my creativity, not having to check with someone every step of the way, and not having to worry about someone else liking what I do. I like what I do, and that's what matters. :-)

Today is a beautiful day in Colorado. It's one of those "preview of spring" days that reminds me why I still live here. I don't have any pressing homework, I have already finished my work shift for the day...so I get to relax for a while, then organize the apartment a bit more.

Our place is starting to look more and more like home...and it feels more like home every day too. Most of our stuff is organized and put away--of course there is always more to do, but we're getting there. It is nice to have our own place, to have time together, and to just be.

We are neck deep in wedding planning, yesterday marked just 4 months away. I am scrambling about to find dress fabrics and shoes, we keep tossing ceremony and reception ideas around, and even went ring shopping. But unfortunately, the only things that are settled are that we're getting married and it will be in my parents' backyard. Nonetheless, I am so excited. It is going to be small and beautiful, simple and perfect.

So, as usual I will try to write more often--but school takes more of my time than I like. Regardless, I hope you all are doing well!

Nesting...

2011-02-12T15:02:00.002-07:00

Whew.

Wow time flies...but you all already knew that.

Life has been crazy busy, and until this past Wednesday our internet was *very* intermittent. But, the wonderful IT extraordinaires came in and fixed it all up!! So, hopefully I will be able to find more time to blog again now that I have the means to do so!

Let's see...what all has happened? A lot, in short. Here's all that's on my mind at the moment:

School...going back to school is kind of odd. Although my Dad argues that I never really left (since I stayed at CU to work after graduation), it is definitely different this time around. As I was telling my Grandmother today, I can *finally* see that I have in fact grown up...at least a little bit. ;-) So far, school is not really that difficult. Scheduling time for everything is--especially when a book shows up a week later than it's supposed to. But I am enjoying my accounting class so far, and the others are very tolerable...except I have a feeling that one of my professors is eeking more and more towards crazy in my book...but we'll see how it all plays out I guess!

I had a birthday...almost a week ago. It didn't feel like a birthday--remember that book that was late? Well, I ended up having to drive 45 minutes to the depot to pick it up, then 45 back. AND then read 4 LONG chapters, work the evening, then drive to my parents' house in a blizzard so that I could use their internet to take on online exam over the 4 chapter I had just read. I finally got home and in bed sometime after 1...definitely one of those birthdays that just rolls in with the rest of the days. It was wonderful to come home to Ryan, the kids, and our own apartment. The best present of all.

The kids are loving the new place. Sora hates the outdoor cat that sometimes comes around, but it all balances out because he loves the squirrel that comes and plays on our balcony. Kairi is doing well, she is still as cute and cuddly as ever. They are both curled up on the couch with me right now--what good kids. (Kai has just moved to cuddling on my shoulder...one of her favorite places.)

Work...work is going well. I am still loving TCS, and am working more hours--which is good overall. This week will be hectic with the opera, almost 30 hours at TCS, and lots of homework. But I still feel very lucky to have stumbled upon TCS when I did. I love being there--and even going to work can put me in a better mood!!

Our apartment is mostly unpacked....mostly. We still need to pick up our dresser so we can unpack clothes, but our apartment finally looks--and feels--like a living space. It is a wonderful place to come home to. I can't wait for us to get everything organized, all of our pictures up, and have everything just right....

Well, I have to start getting ready for work. I am planning on taking the bus to Denver as often as possible, but that also means leaving very early. I hope that all is well with all of you, and thanks for sticking with me through my lack of posting!

Moving, School, and Everything Else...

2011-02-02T16:16:00.005-07:00

Well, for those of you who are wondering--yes, I am still alive and yes--I am still going to keep up with this blog.

Finally--I am writing to you all on my own computer, in our own apartment with working internet!!

A lot has gone on, and once again instead of trying to work backwards, I am going to try to continue forward--and slowly fill in the gaps as I can. I have found some old poetry I think I am going to use to fill up some of those days...fun stuff!

But moving forward--right now I am sitting in our apartment, on my lovely couch with the kids nearby, homework strewn about as I procrastinate...very VERY cold winter outside, and all the warmth of love inside.

Last weekend Ryan and I moved into our first apartment together. We found a lovely little place in Louisville, and we are still unpacking, organizing and weeding out all the stuff we don't need. It is so nice to have our own place--no running back and forth to see each other, we can plan our lives together rather than trying to fit our crazy schedules around each others...

The kids are loving it--they are so happy to have their own space again! They have a huge sliding glass door/window to observe the open space we back to, and 2 large windows in the bedroom. No more basement windows for these kids!! Kairi finally got better--after 2 rounds of antibiotics and almost 6 weeks. No more joker kitty for her, poor little girl. Sora wasn't doing so well before his last shot--he dropped to 8.6 pounds, which is not bad for a cat--but he is a very long and tall kitty. It would be kind of like Shaq weighing 170 pounds. But he has put weight back on--and we are going to give him his next shot one week earlier this time, hopefully that will help keep him on top of it all.

All in all, although it is a *balmy* 3 degrees out (it started at -17 today), everything is great. I am working a lot of hours at TCS, taking 3 classes in working towards my MPA and living with my best friend.

Oh...and I can't remember if I have mentioned it...but we're getting married June 28th this year.

Of Life and Love...and Not Enough Hours in the Day...

2011-01-13T15:16:00.002-07:00

Apologies, again, for the long hiatus from new posts. I am working on all of them...just, very slowly.

My computer is still down (and if anyone has an old charger for an HP Pavillion they would like to part with...I would be more than happy to take it off your hands...) and so I am still bumming internet time where I can get it. Turns out the Lafayette Library is very stingy to "visitors." We only get 30 minutes a day. That's only 1800 seconds...practically nothing.

So, life has been crazy busy as usual--I have finished registering for school, worked a lot, spent a lot of time with Ryan, ate some onion rings, chose a wedding date, made some awesome grilled cheese...

Did you catch it? ;-) Well, we have decided on June 28th of this year. Yes, it is a Tuesday (for you amazingly brainy people...like Austyn). We chose June 28th because it is my Grandparents' anniversary. As most of you know by now, I am very close with my Grandmother, and I was close with my Grandfather as well. He passed away in 2001, and we all miss him very dearly. This year marks the 65th anniversary of their wedding.

Starting our marriage by celebrating the marriage of two amazingly loving, strong, courageous people makes me feel even *more* warm and fuzzy than I already do. I can only hope that Ryan and I can be half as amazing as my Grandparents are.

So, to wrap it up...hopefully I will be back soon. It all depends on the computer situation. Hopefully I can get a new charger soon...or maybe even a whole new computer!! Woohoo!!

Until then, take care and read on.

Conspiracy Theory...

2011-01-03T10:40:00.002-07:00

I have developed a theory concerning my blog and the holidays...

I think that there is some conspiracy trying to keep me from blogging during the holidays. Maybe it's because the world is tired of my words, maybe it's because nothing is going on (that's totally not true), or maybe it's just so that I will slow down and enjoy the moments that are here and will all too soon pass...

I vote for the last one. I mean, no one has said they are tired of my blogging...yet.

In short, my computer's charger finally died--so I have to rely on the kindness of strangers (i.e. my parents and my fiance...yeah, I said FIANCE) to get anything done on the computer. So blogging has taken a back seat for a while. But I do have posts for every day--no worries there my friends. And as you may have guessed, there is much to say.

But for the moment, I am going to continue to enjoy the moment. There is a crochet project calling my name.

Happy New Year Folks!!

All Caught Up...

2010-12-21T00:04:00.002-07:00

Ok, so now I am finally all caught up on my past blogs, so I feel that now I can take the time to get in-depth with all that has gone on...which has been a lot.

Right now, I am so stressed out. Remember that chair I was done with? Well, I am not totally done with it. I have to go back and change a few things...which I am really not happy about, but I will do it anyway. I can't wait to let the chair go...and with it all the crazy sewing projects that I will never do again.

I am trying to create some positive energy to outweigh the negativity of that chair...but I have not been successful thus far. It will come, and it will be ok. There is nothing I can do about it in this moment, so I am not going to worry about it. I just have to remember that whatever happens, this silly chair is not going to ruin my life. If it spontaneously combusts and my client is beyond livid, I will still come home to my kids who love me and my Ryan who loves me. The world will still turn, my life will still go on. It will not be the end of the world if it is not perfect.

Now I just have to remember all that...

And remember that I want to create things...I love building, I love crafting, I love creating...but I don't want to do it for anyone else. I want to do it for myself, in my own time line, for whomever I want to do it for. The closer January gets, the more excited about accounting I get...weird, right?

A quick update on Joker Kitty--she is doing well. It seems her lip is a lot better! I am debating continuing the meds, since it has become super difficult to get her to swallow the pills. I will see how it looks tomorrow. But all in all, she is looking great!!

It seems like Sora has put on a little weight, which is great! He is always so skinny, I like it when he bulks up a bit. It's probably because he has had close to a cup of treats a day....crazy little man!

I have this whole week off from TCS. My time with Jack has come to an end, and so has my time at the Rec Center. So now, TCS is my only job! (Not counting that silly chair....) It will be nice to have free time...especially since I need to finish getting ready for Christmas!!

Well, I think that is about all for now! Time to dream of Christmas and fun things!!

Home Again, Home Again...

2010-12-20T22:34:00.002-07:00

Wow..as usual, time flies.

We just got back from my brother's wedding, and it was fun, beautiful and amazing. We had a great time...and even got some relaxing in.

It feels good to be back home, in some ways. It really was nice to get away for a while, to leave everything behind and to not have to deal with work or such things...

But I did miss my kids very much, and so it is great to be back with them. I will write more on the wedding later, but I am going to start by trying to get caught up on all my blog posts...

Merry Christmas!! It is only 5 days away!!

The Day After...

2010-12-19T20:44:00.001-07:00

The day after "happily ever after," at least for my brother and his new *wife.* ;-)

It was a lovely day...we slept in, ate a late breakfast with Chad and Patrick, then met up with everyone to watch Scott and Vanessa open their presents. The only downfall of the day was that we did not get out to Joshua Tree, as we had hoped we would have time to do.

But it was great to spend some down time with family, and Ryan and I got to spend some time relaxing in the hot tub after we got back to our hotel...which was wonderful. Ryan jumped into the pools as well--but I thought that they were just a bit chilly...

As Scott and Vanessa start their journey as husband and wife...today being their first full day...I can't help but think of Bright Eye's This is the First Day of my Life....

A Wedding...

2010-12-18T23:11:00.001-07:00

Congratulations to Scott and Vanessa!! I can't believe that today is finally the day!!

As always, it seems like just yesterday you guys got engaged...only months ago you met...but in reality it has been years...

I wish you all many many blessing and a life filled with love and joy.

May no one know more happiness than you two!

California...Here We Come...

2010-12-17T01:07:00.001-07:00

Today we leave for California!!

I am so excited...I can't wait for the whole weekend...especially the getting away part...

So...sleepy time, then airplane time!!

Yay!!

So Much To Do...

2010-12-16T22:42:00.001-07:00

I can't believe that tomorrow we leave for Cali...wow. Time flies...like a bat out of hell sometimes!!

I have so much to do...I am finishing up altering my dress, hemming Dianne's dress...picking up last minute everything that we need, and I still have to pack!!

So much to do...so little time, as always. But it will all be worth it when we get there!!

Done and Done...

2010-12-15T16:02:00.002-07:00

I finished the chair today...and dropped it off!! I am so glad that it is out of my life...

When I am happy after everything is done and dropped off, I feel like I could do it again. Like it's all worth it to see the final product and to see how happy they are to get it back.

But, I have to remember that it's really not. Totally not.

I need every shred of my sanity that I have left...and I am not wasting it on other people...

;-)

I Can't Do This...

2010-12-14T01:37:00.001-07:00

I just can't.

I can't do this anymore.

My head, my heart, my soul...are all bound when I try to do this sort of thing for work. I feel empty, drained, .lifeless.

I can't do this anymore. I want a better life for myself...

I love doing this sort of thing...but I want to do it for me...not for anyone else.

I just have to learn to say no...

NO.

No more.

Sorry.

I Remember Now...

2010-12-13T23:58:00.001-07:00

...why I can't do this anymore.

I remember why I gave up this line of work...it is all so clear now...

I remember the long nights, the endless hours, the countless questions and unending doubts...

I remember the ego blows and dwindling self-esteem...

I remember why I had to leave...

And why I have to stay away.

This Week...

2010-12-12T22:44:00.001-07:00

This week is going to be another crazy one. I have to finish re-upholstering a chair on top of work and prepping everything for the wedding.

I hate it when I do this to myself. I might *sometimes* have a tendency to overload myself with work...say yes to too many things...then end up working too much. But only sometimes...maybe.

So, whatever happens--I know that time marches on. So if one day is terrible, the next day is still on its way, and it can be better than the last!

All I can do is cross my fingers, and hope that this week isn't too trying...

One Week...

2010-12-11T20:09:00.001-07:00

Only one week until the wedding!!! I can't wait!!

That's really all I can think about today...it is going to be so much fun!!

Night Off...

2010-12-10T23:44:00.001-07:00

It is nice to have a Friday night off. Lately I have been working a lot of Friday nights--I traded tonight for another night, and it is lovely to get to spend quiet time with Ryan instead of a quiet night at TCS...

Someday, I will have a job where I have evenings off...where I can be home every night, and every weekend....someday...

Apologies...

2010-12-09T09:04:00.002-07:00

Wow...I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since I have really added a new post. I have several in the works, but haven't had the time or energy to complete them.

Explanation: this time of year--though I LOVE Christmas, is not easy for me. I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, as some of you already know, and the past week especially has been not so great.

But, I am working on getting posts up for the last 2 weeks. Thank you all for your patience and support.

Happy Holidays!!

my god micah...

2010-12-08T22:19:00.001-07:00

Tonight we got to watch our friends' band , my god micah, play at the Larimer Lounge...it was quite fun!

If you haven't heard them, or of them--you need to give them a listen. They have amazing original music...and they are awesome live.

I might be slightly biased, simply because Ryan and I first started hanging out again back in January...the reason: my god micah. Ryan invited me to their first show. And every show since.

But all biases aside, these guys are amazing. Catch their next live show in Denver--you won't regret it!

Joker Kitty...

2010-12-07T21:37:00.002-07:00

I am feeling a little better today...still trying to keep myself from falling back into the sad state I was in yesterday...but doing better nonetheless.

It helps to have something else to focus on, and today I have Kairi to take care of. I feel so badly for her--she had an infected lip right now. I don't know what causes it...but imagine what having the lips of the Dark Night's Joker on a cat would look like...that's what Kai's left lip looks like. I know you are probably giggling at the thought...but my poor baby is hurt!!

So I spent my free time between work calling the vet to get the right medicine all ready for her, and then after work this afternoon I drove the 40 minutes to get them. I just wish that it would make her better right away...I feel so terrible every time I see her poor swollen lip...

Don't worry, of course it seems that she has no idea she is injured. Which means she will *love* swallowing the pills...or not...

I'll keep you posted on how she is doing, because that is what crazy cat moms do. :-)

Hitting the Wall...

2010-12-06T09:11:00.001-07:00

A very dark, very hard wall.

Someplace very alone...separate from the rest of the world...where no one can touch me.

There are days I live here...alone, untouched. Not because no one reaches out...but just because I can't feel them.

There are Good Times...and Bad Times...

2010-12-05T23:27:00.001-07:00

It gets difficult...some days.

Out of nowhere, the depression will hit me...and I won't even know it. All I know is I want to be alone...because I am better off alone.

It feels so dark, so empty...and I feel sad--very sad, but I don't feel like I deserve more.

No more than the emptiness and loneliness.

There are bad times...

Positive Feedback...

2010-12-04T23:46:00.001-07:00

Today was a pretty great day at work. I got to help with a Gift Wrap and Bow Demonstration (which is my favorite part of working on the weekends right now), and then I had my 60-day review...which was 30 days late. (Which means, yes all you math wizards are correct--I have been at TCS for 90 days!!)

My review went really well. Turns out they like me a lot, and enjoy having me on the team. They would like me to step up as more of a leader...which I am not opposed to doing, I just am hoping that I am really ready to go back to that.

It was really great to get good feedback...I love my job, and I am glad they love me back.

Yay TCS!!

Christmastime is here!!!

2010-12-03T20:22:00.001-07:00

We are in full holiday mode at TCS, so I get to hear holiday music ALL THE TIME at work...and I love it!!

I love listening to all the Christmas carols, imagining the perfect holiday evening...

Driving around looking at Christmas lights, then skating on an outdoor rink all decked out in Christmas lights...then walking around in the fresh snow and building a snowman...then retiring by the fire next to the Christmas tree and snuggling under a blanket watching Christmas movies...

Sigh.

I love Christmastime. Everyone is so nice and cheerful, there is an air of giving...everyone thinking of their loved ones and making them happy...thinking how they can bring joy into someone else's life...

I love it. So very much.

Stitch by Stitch...

2010-12-02T09:14:00.002-07:00

Little by little, I am getting everyone's Christmas gifts done. My crochet a day is really helpful in getting everything ready in time!

I find it funny...that I can turn a skein of yarn into a hat...with just a few hours and some twists of the wrist. It's great fun to watch everything take form...little by little.

It reminds me that life is sometimes the same way. It takes time...and everything is made stitch by stitch, little by little. Not everything comes easily--sometimes trying to follow the pattern is difficult...and sometimes you change the pattern to better suit you. But oftentimes, it takes time to see the form of what you are actually making...

Little by little...stitch by stitch.

I am making a better life than before.

IT'S DECEMBER!!!!

2010-12-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling ring-ting-tingling tune....come on its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you!!

Walking in a Winter Wonderland!!!

Up on the rooftop reindeer paws, down through the chimney with Santa Claus!!

Oh come O ye faithful, joyful and triumphant!!

I love Christmas carols...I do. I am so excited that it is December!! Yes, I hate the cold--and YES I hate driving in the snow...but I LOVE the Christmas season. It is my favorite winter holiday and quite possibly the only reason I survive the winters.

I am definitely looking forward to this month...Ryan and I get to go to California for my brother's wedding in just a few short weeks, Christmas is almost here, and I get to spend lots of time with my family and friends.

Yay December!! Yay Christmastime!! I am SO glad you're here!!

Countdown...

2010-11-30T12:26:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is December...and so not only am I counting down to Christmas, but I am also counting down to my brother's wedding on the 18th! I am so excited and happy for Scott and Vanessa!! I can't wait to be a part of their big day!!

A Crochet A day...

2010-11-29T09:08:00.001-07:00

Keeps the crazy at bay...at least in my mind.

I am still trying to crochet at least a little bit every day. I have found that taking the time to create--something that I want to do, without any deadlines or time lines--helps keep me calm, and content.

While I am busy crocheting Christmas presents at the moment, it is still very fun and very relaxing...I just enjoy thinking about everyone opening their presents on Christmas day!!

What do you do to keep your crazy at bay?

Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String...

2010-11-28T22:31:00.002-07:00

I love wrapping presents...that's just what I was thinking about today...I can't wait to wrap up everything so it looks just *so* pretty for Christmas morning!

Black Saturday...

2010-11-27T23:08:00.001-07:00

Another day at work...and still not too bad. I thought we might be way crazier, since it was the weekend...but nope.

I got to do more bow and wrapping demos, which I love to do! It is so much fun to help people learn to wrap gorgeous gifts...and now I get to wrap all of my family's gifts amazingly!! I can't wait!!

It is fun to be so surrounded with holiday cheer at work...the Christmas carols, stocking stuffers, Christmas wrap...it is all so festive!!

I am so excited that Christmastime is finally here!!

Black Friday...

2010-11-26T23:24:00.001-07:00

I worked today, and it was actually not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, we had a lot of people, but especially since TCS is not connected to the mall, we missed out on a lot of the crazy foot traffic.

So, though busy-a relatively calm day.

Not too bad for Black friday.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

2010-11-25T19:44:00.003-07:00

I hope you all are having a wonderful Thanksgiving...my day has been spectacular.

I got to spend today with Ryan's family and my own family. It was full of love and laughter, family and friends...I have so much to be thankful for...

So, to keep this post short--I am going to list 26 things (since I am 26 years old) I am thankful for.

In no particular order:

I am thankful for:

My children and their love. They supported me through so much, and their love is unending.
My family--all their dysFUNction, and laughter, all their wisdom and joking...
My friends--I have the most amazing friends in the world...no doubt in my mind.
My Ryan--I have the best boyfriend in the world. He makes me laugh and think...and keeps me warm when it's super cold out.
My jobs. In this kind of economy, I am thankful that I have work--even if it's too much sometimes.
Having a place to live.
My health. I am so thankful that the pain I used to get in my wrist has subsided greatly.
Crochet...silly, but yes. It calms my mind and is a fun hobby.
A second chance to get it right...or at least closer to right. I am so glad to have another chance to make my life what it can be...crazy dreams and wonderful adventures...

And so much more...

The blessings never end, and I can't wait to see what the next year brings.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Long Days...

2010-11-24T17:25:00.003-07:00

This has been a long couple days...yesterday I worked from 5-11AM and today I worked 5-9AM. Two 5AM days in a row is a little rough...I am definitely ready to sleep.

Today was a wonderful day nonetheless. I spent a good portion of it with my niece...coloring, watching cartoons, playing with Barbies...you know, all the important stuff. But I also got to spend some of it with Grandma.

A long, wonderful, tiring day.

But tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and a day off. :-)

I can't wait.

Grandma Top Ten...

2010-11-23T23:45:00.003-07:00

Grandma is here!! So, I anticipate that my writing for the next week will be sparse, since I hope to be spending most of my time with Grandma.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful Grandmother. And just for fun, here are the top ten most awesome things about my Grandma:

10. She loves Jack Daniels whiskey. There are some funny stories here (never one concerning drunkenness, but hilarious nonetheless)...and I know she always has some on hand at home.

9. She loves the desert almost as much as I do. We both love the heat, and so every time we talk, we discuss the weather in detail, and most of the time commiserate on how cold it is where we are...

8. She always wants me to steal the plants from the Tucson Mall for her. They have large bromeliads in very large pots, and every time we go there she tells me to grab one and she'll pull the car around. Sometimes I am not sure she is joking...

7. Her favorite color is green, followed closely by purple. She worked very hard when I was little to make sure I enjoyed green too (my favorite color was always purple), by sending me pictures of frogs, green plants, etc. So she instilled in me a love for the color green...

6. She regularly makes me go on midnight gardening recon missions with her. In her complex, the HOA is responsible for all the plants in the front yards. Well, sometimes there is a plant in another yard or community area that she wants...so we wait until it's well into the darkness of night, then we head out--her with a flashlight, me with a trowel and gloves, and we transfer whatever she wants to wherever she wants. I love these little adventures.

5. Her favorite shirt is from 1991...or 1995, I can't remember. But she thinks it's perfect, so I have been repairing little holes in it for the last two years. I plan to continue to repair it until it becomes all but dust, because she loves it so much.

4. She is so unique. I don't think I have ever heard the same story twice...and I know that she still has more to share. She loves everything from hummingbirds to elephants to cashews. She abhors mushrooms and long lines anywhere. And shoe shopping...she hates not finding the perfect shoe.

3. She is beyond giving. She shares what she has with who needs it...suitcases, time, her spare bedroom...everything.

2. She is hilarious. I know she doesn't always intend to be, but her laugh is contagious--and she has wonderful stories to share.

1. She is the strongest woman I know. She is stubborn, determined, caring and compassionate. I have never met anyone like her, and I am sure I never will. If I am lucky, someday I will be half the woman she has become.

My Grandma is amazing, and I love her oh so dearly!! And now, you know some reasons why.

Up, Up, and Away...

2010-11-22T00:59:00.004-07:00

Today we had planned to go out climbing and hiking, but it was a much colder day than we had anticipated, so we stayed in and watched Up instead...excellent choice.

If you haven't seen that movie yet, you should. It is really a great movie...it is sad, just to warn you, but a great story line nonetheless.

It was funny--Ryan and I had both seen the movie before--not together, when we were both at different points in our lives. We joked about how the movie didn't seem as sad as the first time we saw it...at certain points we both were tearing up, jokingly asking each other, "Why are you crying??" "I'm not crying!!" "Well, your eyes are leaky then!!" And the like.

We agreed that the movie had much more meaning this time because when you know what it is like to love and be loved like that...it makes the story that much more touching...

We then tried to think of more movies we could watch that would turn us into blubbering blobs.

It was a great Sunday....

Almost Holidays...

2010-11-21T10:37:00.001-07:00

I am so excited...Thanksgiving is this week!!! Grandma comes to visit on Tuesday, and she will be here for a whole week!

I am so looking forward to this year's holidays. While last year's Thanksgiving was rough, I feel that this year is going to be wonderful...and it means we are about to start the Christmas season, which is spectacular, since Christmas is my favorite holiday.

We are so close...and I can't wait!!

Quitting...

2010-11-20T12:57:00.001-07:00

I am so happy to inform you all that I have officially quit my job at the rec center!! I sent in my letter of resignation, and my last day will be December 15th.

It feels good to finally be able to know when enough is enough, and to be able to walk away...I can only hope that I will remember this lesson in all aspects of my life.

I am looking forward to going back to school. I know that I am drastically changing my life path for the moment...but I am willing to see where this takes me.

So, here's to quitting when it's time! Many thanks to all who have provided support during this annoying and aggravating decision.

Great Stories...

2010-11-19T00:57:00.003-07:00

I just finished watching a really great film, Mary and Max. I highly recommend it, especially if you love claymation as much as I do.

The film, while visually stunning (I often wish I could work as a sculptor for such films) provides a great story as well. But one thought has been running through my head since a certain scene in the film (I won't spoil it, but once you watch it you will know what I mean):

Great stories don't always have happy endings.

Stories that change us, that inspire us, that make us better...don't always have happy endings. There are stories--in movies, books and even life that make the world a better place, even though there is no happy "storybook" ending.

So, how do you know you are in a great story when there's no happy ending in sight? How do you know you are not just living in a bad story that you should change?

I don't know...but I am pretty sure I am living a great story...with an eventual happy ending.

Moments...

2010-11-18T01:35:00.002-07:00

Moments rendered,
Moments passed,
Of all those things
That will never last...

Memories are the past.

Of life and love,
Of love and laughter
There are always things
Which are much sadder.
Take them in
And hold them near...

To rise above the fear.

Thoughts winding
All unbinding.
Taking hold
Tighter still...
Of each moment,
Of each thrill.

Hold me longer still.

Darkness and shadows
Doubts and failures,
Building rust
On today's sculptures.
Pray each day

Is not eaten by vultures.

Moments lost,
Moments forgotten.
Moments stolen,
Moments denied.

Moments shared,
Moments spared.
Moments hidden,
Moments branded...

Never to be forsaken.

Circling Back To Circles....

2010-11-17T23:53:00.002-07:00

I have continued to ponder my thoughts on life as a circle. I began to think that if my life were a circle, then everyone else's must also be a circle.

Then what happens when we get close to each other--when we cross each others' paths? If we follow the laws of geometry, then there are two ways this could go:

1) The circles only touch at one point. It is only one moment, and then that moment passes and it is done.

2) The circles overlap, which means that they touch at two specific points.

I am trying to balance these thoughts with my thoughts on how these life circles really work, and here is a snapshot of how this is processing in my brain (this could get ugly):

circles
overlapping
falling away
layers
growing up
growing out
lines
crossing
somehow each circle grows into a new plane so that old circles fall away and don't necessarily interact with new ones...
but old circles still influence new ones

And then it's all pictures from there. Someday I will figure out how to draw all that is going on in my head...

Until then, I will have to keep pondering this circle thing.

Round and round it goes...

School...

2010-11-16T10:51:00.002-07:00

I have officially finished my application to go back to school!! Woohoo! I always knew I would go back sometime, and there's no time like the present, right?

After a good year or so of consideration, I have decided to go back to school for accounting.

I know, even I have had the thought of, "What the hell?"

But, when it comes down to it, here are the things I know about myself:

I have a tendency to be a workaholic.
I have a tendency to try to turn my hobbies into my job, and then I start to hate my hobbies because they are a job.
I want weekends off.
I want a job with benefits...real benefits--not just a coffee machine or free thread. Like real insurance benefits.
I want to be home in the evenings...I want to get to spend time with my kids and my Ryan.

My parents have tried to talk me into accounting for years...and so finally I listened. I figure, why not? I like numbers, I like math. And anything that I can work an 8-5 and get vacation time...sounds great.

So, hopefully in January I will start classes so I can get my CPA Certification by the end of 2011 or so. :-) I should only need 3 semesters at most, so I can be done one year from now. How nice would that be?

I still enjoy sewing...very much so. I still enjoy all the things I used to do for work...I just get to enjoy them more now since I don't have the added stress of timelines and deadlines.

I so still miss all the people I used to work with...and I am sure that won't be changing anytime soon...

So...here I go!! Once more into the breech!!

Learning is fun. :-)

Bad Night...

2010-11-15T01:46:00.000-07:00

I am fighting...working on that whole forgiveness thing...it is not coming very easily....

I was just reminded of things that were stolen from me...

...a niece's laughter.

...fun with cousins.

...family.

...friends.

...there are so many people that used to be a part of my life that I miss so dearly, and I know I will never see them again...it's quite heartbreaking.

It is hard to forgive because he stole all of this from me.

I finally went through the other day and deleted a bunch of "friends" off of my facebook. There were so many "mutual friends" that I haven't heard from since the divorce...I finally realized that I just needed to let go, I needed a clean slate. There is no reason for those people to be able to sneak peak into my life whenever they want to, and there is no reason why I need to peak into their lives.

But somehow, there's always something to remind me...something more to bring the broken heart to the forefront...to remind me what all the heartbreak felt like.

There are moments it feels just as raw as it did almost 2 years ago...there are moments I can't believe it has been almost 2 years...and other moments it feels like it has been so much longer. I hate feeling that way again...like the pulses in my heart are misfiring, like each heartbeat squeezes an already raw heart...like my chest will explode from all the pain, leaving nothing but a stain on the wall...

I have to get it into my head that he will never care what he did to me. It makes no difference to him...he has no reason to care. He will never admit to his part in what went wrong...he will continue to lie and live a lie until the day he dies.

I have to get it into my head that he will never again admit to being abusive. He admitted it to me once, but I know he will never address the issue again. He will forever say that it was my fault we got divorced...

I have to get it into my head that he will always lie...that he was not the man I thought he was, that he lived a lie the whole time we were together. I was wrong about him...very very wrong...

I have to move on. I have to walk a bigger circle...I can no longer continue in this rut. I have to let go of the past to grab onto my present and future. I have to leave all of him, all of us behind.

I have to be stronger than I think I can be.

Which is why I am finally writing this post.

I have eased my way into this moment, only because I have had such a hard time processing it all myself. It has been more than 2 years since some of these things happened, but it is still hard for me to think about sometimes.

I will just put in this little disclaimer--I am writing as honestly and as truthfully as I can. I will not embellish, fantasize, blow out of proportion or lie. But I am sure that my ex would refute some things I will say--even though everything I will mention he has admitted to met. So there, there's that little tidbit, just in case. Now moving on...

I have been in therapy since I got divorced. It wasn't necessarily just because of the divorce--there was much more going on.

It has taken me this long to be able to fully realize why I had to leave my husband. For a long time I didn't know what to say when people asked why, but now I know exactly what to say. The easy, short answer is: I left him because he became abusive.

It's like that whole thing about putting a frog into a pot of boiling water (I do not support actually doing this, of course...). But if you put a frog into a pot of near-boiling water, he leaps right out because naturally--it's freakin' hot. But if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly heat it--he will stay in the pot until he boils to death because he doesn't realize he's getting into hot water.

I can't even say when it started, or how. The first event I can definitively call abuse was when he spiked my drink at dinner with alcohol, and then lied about it. He lied about it three times before I finally got him to admit to it.

There were lies and deceit...before and after that. But I kept hoping it would get better. I kept hoping that he would change...that we would change together...but it would not be the case.

The next definitive abuse incident wouldn't come for months...but it was enough to break me.

There are moments when you can't believe that you are living through them...that you hope and you pray that it is just a movie reel...or that you will wake up and see it was all just a bad dream...

This was one of those moments for me.

It was the day of my birthday party...and since we had been having problems for months, we set some ground rules. He said to me, "No means no, even when you're drunk." Since he was driving and it was my party, there was an understanding that I would be fairly intoxicated when we came home. I told him something to the effect of, "That's good to hear...because it will probably still be no."

So we went out, had a great time partying and celebrating with friends. I had one friend who was actually staying at our house that night since it was a joint birthday party for us...so we got her set up on the couch to sleep, then went upstairs to change.

I was in the bathroom, and I can't remember what we were talking about. I remember all the lights were on...and something was said about sex, and I said no. I said no when he picked me up in the bathroom...I said no all the way as he carried me to the bed...and I continued to say no until I realized I couldn't stop him.

I remember wishing I were dead...and feeling dead. I remember walking downstairs and sharing the couch with my friend. I remember being so mad and hurt that he broke his own promise...that no did not in fact mean no.

The next night we had a talk...I can't remember why we decided to talk...but we sat in the basement and talked about the night before. I recounted the events to him, and he said to me:

"I raped you."

And I agreed with him...and I realized that his abuse was only going to get worse...and I couldn't imagine what he would do next.

I left the next day. I knew I could never let him touch me again...not in any way.

In the months to come, he would ask why I didn't fight him more...why I didn't hit him or try to hurt him in order to stop him. My only answer was...why should I have had to?

I have been dealing with these demons ever since then. It has torn me apart time and time again. I am still brokenhearted over the fact that someone who was supposed to love me so much could do such a thing...no wonder I have trust issues, right?

That all makes it sound like I left him because I am a lesbian, right?

Sorry, I am still bitter about that....

I continue to choose to live in the truth...the truth shall set me free. And if he decides to continue to live in lies, then he is building his own prison--but he can't build his prison around me too.

I am free...I am free because as awful as the truth can be, I choose to accept it, learn from it, grow into more truth, and be stronger because of it.

Lies will only corrupt you, from the inside out. They will rot you...rob you...break you. And then you will feel even worse than I ever have.

I have to be stronger than I think I am.

I have to be stronger that I think I can be.

I have to be stronger.

I will be stronger.

Very rarely is rape actually reported to the authorities. As little as 18% of rapes are actually reported--"One factor relating to this under reporting may be the misconception that most rapes are committed by strangers." Some statistics list as little as 2-26% of rape cases involve a perpetrator who was a stranger to the victim, with 26-60% of perpetrators being a current or former intimate partner.

If you or someone you know has been a victim of rape, don't be afraid to seek help. Find a therapist, and find a support group.

You are not alone.

I am not alone.

I am stronger than I was yesterday.

And I will be stronger tomorrow...despite everything that was stolen from me, I will rise above.

The truth will set me free.

My Kids...

2010-11-14T22:52:00.002-07:00

Today while I was driving to work, I saw a dead cat on the side of the road...it was awful.

I always hate seeing roadkill...for as long as I can remember, I have always said a prayer for each little creature that I saw dead on the road. I still do it...

So, today while I was at work I missed my kids a lot. I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have such wonderful kids--and the fact that they are both shelter cats that I stumbled upon tells me that we were meant to be a family. There is much love between us all. :-)

So you may laugh, call me a cat lady and think I'm pretty weird...but I don't mind. I have my kids, and they have me. We are an awesome family...and I am proud of it!!

Phobic

2010-11-13T00:07:00.005-07:00

by Plumb

I watched you sit alone,
I watched you cry your eyes out.
Now tell me what you've done.

Is it so bad
That I would shut you out
And leave you here alone?

Yes I saw what you did,
I was right there with you,
I won't let you sink.
No, I forgive you.

Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.

I have watched you grow,
And I've stood in your shadow,
I've never walked away.

I hung the stars and
I hold your heart
So, don't ever be afraid.

Yes, I know when you breathe,
And I feel when you need.
I won't let you sink.
No, I forgive you.

Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.

You can be healed.
You can be free.
You can know peace.
Never be afraid again.

Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.

Never be afraid.
Never be afraid.
He's here.
_______________________________

I have been thinking about this song for several days now...I didn't know all of the words, but now that I do I like the song even more I think.

But what has been stuck in my head had been "grace needs a little more freedom" and "love needs room to breathe."

Now, to wrap my own head around all I want to say...

I have been working on forgiving my ex. It has not been easy....for so many reasons.

I know what he did.
I was right there...
I watched him cry, I watched his heart break.
I watched him choose to hurt me.
I know he chose to hurt me..for whatever reason.
I couldn't keep him from sinking, no matter how hard I tried...

But I forgive him.

I can't be phobic anymore. I have to get past all he did to me--all he continues to do. I have to release the death grip I have on it all...and let it go. It will only poison me the longer I hold onto it all.

Grace needs a little more freedom...I have to open my heart and let go of the hurt, the hatred, the anger...or else I will never feel the healing power of forgiveness.

Love needs room to breathe...I have to let go of the past if I want to hold onto what I have in the present, if I want to grab a hold of everything there is in the future...or else the past will choke all the good out of each new day.

I can be healed.
I can be free.
I can know peace.
I can find a way to never be afraid again.

I can be healed...I can feel like my life is my own again. I can feel like I am no longer picking up the pieces of my life...I can feel my heart whole again.

I can be free...I can fly on the wings of love again. I can be free from the chains of anger and released from the prison of pain.

I can know peace...I can breathe in each moment. I can relax in the warmth of a new sunrise in my soul...I can rise above the continued chaos and poison thrown at me by my enemies.

I can find a way to never be afraid again...I won't ever be hurt like that again. I will be loved like never before. I will never be abused again...

I forgive him.

Those words are so easy to write, and I know that it is something I will have to continually work on. But this is my choice...and I choose to rise above all the negativity...even if he can't rise above his own lies and deceit, I will.

Love needs a little more freedom...I can't let the demons of the past choke the love I have in my life now...the demons are either in the past, or they aren't. My ex is either in my past, or he is in the present. I choose to keep him in the past, to leave him there with all the pain, anger, hatred, broken hearts and broken pieces.

He has no power over me...not even anger.

I am stronger than that...and I can never be afraid again.

I will be healed.
I will be free.
I will know peace.

I will rise above...

Circles...

2010-11-12T23:59:00.003-07:00

Lately, I have been thinking about the path of life as a series of circles.

That each of us have our circles to walk, and each time we complete a circle, we hope to grow into the next largest circle...and if we don't, we end up walking the same circle over and over again, until it becomes a rut.

I think that this idea partially came from my crochet projects...I have been making a lot of hats lately, and hats are just a series of concentric circles...and with each one growing larger, it creates something awesome...

Circles...walking circles...

It becomes a choice to grow more than yesterday...to be bigger and better than yesterday. To walk a new circle means to make a commitment to be bigger than you have ever been...

It's about growth...and learning.

New circles...bigger ones...

I stumble...I fall, all the time while trying to walk a bigger circle. But even though it is always more difficult than I want it to be--I know it is worth it.

So I will keep trying to walk a bigger circle each day.

I will keep getting back up...

I will keep trying...

One Step Forward and Two Steps Back...

2010-11-11T11:49:00.002-07:00

Do you ever get to a spot just where you think you are getting ahead in life? And you get really proud of yourself, pat on the back...and then whooops...it's time for two steps back...ever get there?

I do. I feel like I end up there a lot. I am working on it...really hard actually. I am trying to only take steps forward...or even sideways...just so long as I can avoid taking steps back.

Maybe someday I'll get it right.

Or maybe the sole purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others.

Two steps forward...no more steps back...

Happy Birthday Ryan!!

2010-11-10T23:45:00.000-07:00

Today we got to celebrate Ryan's birthday--which he actually hates doing, but I decided I was going to make it fun nonetheless. And in spite of him getting sung to at dinner (which I know he despises, and I tried to stop them...) I think he had a happy birthday.

So, in short--happy birthday Ryan!! I am so glad that you were born, so glad that we met, so glad that we met again, and so glad that you hypothetically asked me out on a date. I hope that we get to celebrate many more of your birthdays together!!

:-)

Snow, Snow, Snow, Snow, Snow....

2010-11-09T14:34:00.002-07:00

I know it's mostly rain right now...but I am watching snowflakes fall right now too.

Sigh...I am so not ready for this...especially since I have to drive to Denver tonight.

I actually love the snow when I can sit indoors next to the fireplace and watch it fall...and melt away. But as soon as I have to venture out in it...I start to get cold. Not just cold...remember, I am a desert girl...so I will start to shiver, whole body shakes. And it won't stop until I am back home and balled up in an electric blanket.

I also hate other drivers in the snow. I learned to drive in the snow--my birthday is in February, and so when it was time to get all my hours towards getting my license, I was driving in the snow. I remember getting so angry with my Dad for having me drive my whole family to Loveland in a snow storm. But now, I totally understand.

I drive a car almost the same size as a Pepsi can. I don't have to park, I just fold it up and put it in my purse when I get where I am going. OK, not really...but close. (P.S>How cool would that be?) So my car is really lightweight. But it is front wheel drive...and I know how to handle the snow. So I get super-annoyed with people who drive too slow or too crazy for it all. I HATE driving in the snow. Unless it is the middle of the night and there is absolutely NO other car on the road...then driving in snow is kind of awesome.

Sigh...there are more snowflakes falling. So regardless of it they are sticking or not, I need to leave way early for work...to avoid as much traffic as possible.

Happy first snow, fellow Coloradans!

New Outlook, New Look...

2010-11-08T16:26:00.001-07:00

I am still working on this weekend's posts, but I wanted to introduce you to the new look of my blog!!

I spent a couple hours this morning updating it...getting all the colors just right, finding the right feel. So let me know what you think--especially if something is difficult to read. ;-)

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Daylight Savings...

2010-11-07T21:34:00.002-07:00

And so it begins.

Today we started Daylight Savings Time...and so today it was dark at 5PM.

DARK.

At 5.

Ridiculous.

Sigh, at least I think so. I hate it when it starts getting dark any time before 8...and I love it when the sun sets at 9...truly wonderful.

But we are working our way to the other end of the cycle...the part when the night overpowers the day very early...and the dark is so much darker than I ever remember.

Today was a rough day. I forgot what DST does to the evenings...or maybe it was just my usual denial of the cold and dark of winter. Nonetheless, the day became more and more depressing as the night approached.

In the middle of the summer, when it is bright and lovely and warm, I have trouble remembering exactly what I feel like in the winter. Summer mornings when I step outside in the early morning warmth, I find it hard to imagine that the world is ever so cold in the morning that I can't walk outside in a sundress...

But I am starting to feel the depression on the horizon...I can see it coming. And right now, I want to fight it. I don't want to be stuck in a world of darkness, clouds, rain and emptiness. Winter is a killer when the sun goes down....

Even If It Kills Me
by Motion City Soundtrack

I've got a lot of things to do tonight.
I'm so sick of making lists,
Of things I'll never finish.
I've lived here for the last 12 years.
Since early 1995,
All my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill,
I'd settle every little stupid thing.
Yeah, you'd think that I would

But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight.
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight.
For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.

I wonder if I'll ever lose my mind.
I tried hard for a while,
But then I kind of gave up.
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down.
"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete.

But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight.
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight.
For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.

I'm not saying that I'm giving up,
I'm just trying not to think,
As much as I used to.
'Cause never is a lonely little messed up word.
Maybe I'll get it right someday...

For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
But I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it
But I'm gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.

I so wanna get back on track.
And I'll do whatever it takes,
Even if it kills me.
_________________________________

I'm really not as stubborn as I seem...and sometimes I wonder if I will ever lose my mind.

But I want to get better.

I want to overcome each moment...

In my own way.

Because never is a lonely little messed up word...

I do feel helpless some days...those long, dark, cold days...when I just don't even care anymore. When I can no longer imagine the sunshine, and it feels like the darkness will continue forever and leave me encased in my own prison.

But it's a new winter...a new year. And it is going to be better.

I hope.

Happy Birth Day Little One...

2010-11-06T22:08:00.002-06:00

Today my good friends Austyn and Brian welcomed their lovely little girl, Emery.

The catch is...Emery wasn't due to be born until February.

But, she is a fighter already...wriggling her way about, she is doing well--a tiny but mighty force!!

We all feel so blessed that both Austyn and Emery are doing so well. It is such a miracle...all of it...

So many congratulations to the happy parents!!

And welcome, little Emery. You are already so very loved. Happy Birth Day.

New Intentions...

2010-11-05T00:15:00.004-06:00

Through a blog I have just started following, I have come across a very interesting website/blog called Makeunder My Life.

While I have only scratched the surface here, I really like the DIY-DYL (Do It Yourself-Design Your Life) idea of designing a life with intention....

A few days ago, I felt like I was getting a wake up call. I felt like someone was smacking the back of my head with a stick...saying,

"What the HELL are you doing?? WAKE UP. Today is passing you by, and today is all you have!!"

All of a sudden I realized that all my bad habits were adding up...unfortunately they add up to zero...and unless I decided to change myself and my habits, I was going to lose a lot more than just a few days.

So, in line with Makeunder My Life, I want to design my life with intention. I want there to be a purpose in everything I do (even if it is just for fun) and I want there to be a clear intention with my life.

Without further ado, my intentions:

1) BE THOUGHTFUL

I want to consistently create an atmosphere of awareness. What is my carbon footprint? Am I treating others the way I want to be treated? Do I think this soup was made with chicken stock? Stuff like that. I feel that lately I have not been considerate of so many things...and I want to get back on track.

2) BE KIND

I want to not only treat others the way I want to be treated, but I want to treat others in such a way that they not only have to rethink how they treat others, but also how they view themselves. I want to build people up, give them confidence and show them that it is possible for another human being--maybe even a stranger--to care about their life.

I also want to be kind to animals...spend more time with my kids. Also, be more mindful of what I am eating and where it came from...eggs only from cage free, vegetarian fed hens--ideally. Continue to not buy new leather.

3) BE CONTENT

My Dad always says that being happy and being content are two completely different things, and I would agree. Happiness is more temporary, content is much more a state of life. So I want to work towards maintaining a constant state of contentedness. Live where I want to live, work where I want to work, love who I want to love, be who I want to be. Contentment.

4) BE HEALTHY

I struggle with this one daily. I try to be healthy, but some days I find it so difficult to actually feel healthy. I want to consider my body a temple, and treat it with the same respect. I want to take the time to exercise and fuel my body with what it needs to conquer each new day.

5) BE PROACTIVE

In other words, I need to stop procrastinating. That's pretty much it. Seize the day!! Seize the moment!! Remember that each moment is precious, and once it's gone--it's gone!!

6) BE ME

I want to fully embody this person inside this skin. Be who I am and be proud of it--flaws and all. I am not perfect...I never will be. And I am cool with that. But I need to let all the different facets of myself shine in every way that they are meant to. Find little ways in every life to be a more fulfilled me.

7) DISCOVER, EXPLORE, ADVENTURE

I want to see new things, meet new people, visit new places. I have always enjoyed traveling--whether it was just the chance to spend quality time with my Grandma or a Caribbean cruise, I loved it all. And now that I have the freedom to go where I want, when I want--I plan to take advantage of that. I want to always have some exciting plan in the works at any given moment...

8) DO BETTER TOMORROW

Today will not always be what I want it to be. I will not always be as successful as I want to be. But I can always do better tomorrow...even if today is awesome and I rock it--tomorrow can still be better. And if I can make each new day better than yesterday...how awesome will life be??

So, there it is. I am putting that list up on my door and on my mirror.

I heard the wake up call, and I am answering.

Procrastinating...

2010-11-04T10:21:00.002-06:00

Remember those bad habits I mentioned? Well, procrastination is definitely one of those bad habits.

I can't say that I was ever really great at not procrastinating, but I have definitely been better. I put off everything...sleeping, eating, projects, anything that I am afraid won't hold my attention span...

I don't know how it got to be this way...I think it goes back to a fear of success...and not having any more free time.

So today is another new day.

And tomorrow is too.

Today I will not procrastinate...on at least one thing. And tomorrow, I will tackle two things. I am determined to kick my bad habit.

And I am starting now.

Crochet...

2010-11-03T10:20:00.001-06:00

You can call me a crazy cat lady if you want to, it's ok...I understand.

Nonetheless, crochet has become a daily habit for me. I absolutely love it. There is something about the repetition of motion, letting my hands create something slowly, stitch by stitch, not rushing through. It has become a very meditative thing for me...I can't imagine not crocheting in a day.

I can't really remember why I started crocheting. I have always like creating things, I have always enjoyed learning, and I love working with my hands...so maybe it just sounded like a good idea.

I so enjoy making something with the intention of giving it to someone. Then, with every stitch, I get to imagine giving it to them, how much they will enjoy it, where they will wear or use it, who they will show it off to...

So every day, I crochet.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Searching...

2010-11-02T10:46:00.004-06:00

There are times that routine is welcome. When it is comforting and stabilizing to know exactly what is going to happen day to day.

Then there are times that routine starts to smother...it becomes comfortable, overbearing, overwhelming to try and think of how to get out of a routine that has become a rut.

I am in that rut.

So many things have become routine...I have let bad habits take over where I had so carefully cultivated good habits.

Today is a new day.

Tomorrow is a new day.

And today, I am going to take a step towards climbing out of this rut.

Life is too short and too beautiful to spend it down a hole.

November...

2010-11-01T09:12:00.002-06:00

I can't believe it is November already, but I am really glad it is!!

I love November because it means Thanksgiving is right around the corner! It's time to start baking pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, and time to really start thinking about Christmas gifts!!

This year, my Grandma will be here for Thanksgiving...so that just makes it all the more exciting!!

Only 3 weeks 3 days away...and counting...

This is Halloween...

2010-10-31T22:31:00.001-06:00

I really enjoyed this Halloween. :-)

In the past, Halloween has been all about the costumes...of course. But honestly, I never really felt that into it until last year. And my costume last year was awesome...at least I think it was!

This year, I got to celebrate "Junk Food Appreciation Night" with Ryan and his family. It was great fun--lots of terrific junk food (everything from Whoppers to macaroni and cheese pizza to mozzarella sticks), good movies (Muppet themed) and wonderful company.

Ryan and I did dress up, kind of. We decided to wear all of our matching clothing items--so our matching Teefury shirts, our almost matching Moosejaw sweatshirts (in blue), and the almost matching hats I crocheted for us. It was fun, and we were adorable, if I do say so myself.

Earlier in the day we got to hang out with my wonderful friend Laura and her adorable daughter. It was so wonderful to get to catch up with them, especially since they will be moving away from Colorado this next week. Much sadness, all of them will be mucho missed.

All in all, it was a wonderful day. A perfect way to spend a Sunday.

Now, I just have to run a marathon a day for a month to work it all off. ;-)

Free moments...

2010-10-30T14:45:00.001-06:00

I have much more free time in my life now...but I still hold onto each one like the next moment will be weeks away...

Most of you are probably confused by my obsession with free time...but after spending 8 years of overloading myself and working more hours in a day then I would sleep in a week...it is still quite phenomenal to me that I have free time.

So, even though I have to work tonight, I am enjoying my morning and afternoon off...doing a whole lot of nothing, and loving every moment of it.

Holidays...

2010-10-29T23:57:00.001-06:00

And it's that time of year again...the holidays are fast-approaching, and before I know it, 2011 will be here.

I LOVE the holidays, don't get me wrong. Christmas is my favorite time of year, followed by Thanksgiving and Halloween. So October, November and December are all just a build up of holiday wonderfulness in my mind.

But I do still remember how difficult last Christmas was. I felt cold, alone and empty...separated from everyone and everything. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous that this year would bring some of the same feelings up, but I am confident that this year will be very different from last year.

So...hooray for another holiday season!!

Happy Halloween!!

Cold Nights...

2010-10-28T22:38:00.003-06:00

There are moments that are so cold,
There are nights that are so dark,
That I remember
How cold and long and dark
All those nights alone were.
How helpless I felt...
How distant I felt...
How empty I felt...
How alone I felt...

But...
I may be cold,
I may be shivering,
I might be out in the darkest of night,
But I am not alone.
I am no longer empty,
I live in the present,
And I am stronger than I ever was.

Each sunset
And dark of night
Brings a new sunrise,
And a new day.

I walk now in the brightness of day,
The sun shining on my face
As I turn my freckled nose high
And smell the sweetness of sunshine,
And feel the warmth of being renewed.

It's a new day.

Jobs...

2010-10-27T12:21:00.002-06:00

I have a few jobs. It has been years since I have had just one job at a time. I will be the first to admit that I have spent the last several years as a workaholic, but now that I have seen what life is like without endless hours of work, I am more than happy just to work to live, not live to work.

I have one job that is driving me crazy though...the others all have their moments, but I still enjoy them. But this one job, the bad stuff keeps far outweighing the good. There is very little communication, and as someone who is only in once a week, I feel very unprepared for what I will have to face each time I go in.

The rules change from week to week, but no one bothers to tell me. I do my best to read all the memos and keep myself up to date, but when there are no communications...it doesn't matter.

I am starting to reach the end of my rope on this one...we'll see just how much longer I can go.

Comments...

2010-10-26T23:42:00.002-06:00

Funny story...

So not very many people leave comments here (which, by the way, you should do sometimes!!). So when I saw that I a comment on Broken Like a Vase... and Fall... I was quite surprised!!

Well, turns out it was spam, from "Billy." He left a comment saying how he got his ex back using some website and he is *SO* happy.

Wow, ya timed that one wrong Billy. There is no way I want my ex back, and it shows that you really read my post...right?

Anyhow, "Billy," if that is even your real name--don't leave spam comments. Especially such insensitive, ignorant ones.

But everyone else, feel free to tell me what's on your mind. I love getting feedback.

Goodbye Billy. Have fun with your ex.

Broken Like A Vase...

2010-10-25T16:41:00.003-06:00

There are times I really hate facebook. Only because I am an expert facebook stalker...I enjoy finding out who is up to what, what's going on...etc, etc.

Today I stumbled upon a post from a friend referring to something my ex had said. He said something to the effect of "trust is like a vase, once it's broken you can glue it back together, but it will never be the same again."

If he only knew how true his words are...if only he knew how true his words are for me.

I wonder if he thinks about how he broke his trust to me. I wonder if he even considers that side of the coin, or if he is still so narcissistic that he can't fathom the hurt he has caused me.

It's probably all my fault in his head.

Sometimes, I imagine what he thinks. How he feels. I imagine that he thinks that I should have stayed...that he thinks that what he did to me was "fine" and "socially acceptable." I imagine that he cannot comprehend why I left...I imagine that he is eyeball deep in denial. It's hard to see anything clearly from that point of view.

I imagine he feels betrayed...alone. Like he can never trust anyone again. I imagine he feels broken and lost...like he is putting the pieces of his life back together.

And then...I start to get angry. Because I imagine that he has no idea how he broke me.

If we want to use his analogy, he took the precious vase I had stored up in my heart, and pitched it as hard as he could off of a 4 story parking garage onto the street below. Just so cars could continue to run over it...insult to injury.

It is difficult, learning to trust again. And what gets even more frustrating is that there are feelings in the present that have nothing to do with the present...they are are residue from the past. What's the point in trying to create a beautiful vase when the last one you so carefully crafted was so viciously destroyed?

I have been dealing with trust issues lately. It came up in therapy, and so I am trying to tackle them before they get any worse. Fortunately, I have someone who is very supportive and understanding.

But right now, I still wish I could tell my ex exactly what is on my mind. I wish I could scream, and he would finally hear me, finally get his head out of wherever it is and face the truth.

For now, I will end with this:

Abuse is not ok...not in any measure. No abuse is "fine" or "socially acceptable." No woman, or man, should be stuck in a relationship where the abuse continues or escalates. If you or someone you know may be in an abusive relationship, get help.

Today.

Tomorrow may be too late.

It's easier to put together the broken pieces before you yourself are broken.